Saturday, 01/31/09 - 12:15 pm.
So january is coming to an end. It's been the worst january of my life, in terms of my psychic life, but then again, I don't usually keep track of "best/worst month ever". I'm just saying, this wasn't a particularly pleasant month.
But as they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Since my birthday on the 19th (to this day, I'm still receiving birthday wishes, from people who knew but forgot), I haven't had a day that's like the one before. That's about to change on monday, when I start my job and begin a routine. But in behavioral terms, these two weeks have been all about enjoying life, although with a huge weight on my back. And yesterday there was sweet and sour alike.
I wanted to take the bus to go pick up the ID that certifies me as a psychologist (score!) but my friend S wasn't available to come along and I backed down. I hated myself for that, but I didn't feel confident enough to go on my own...I know, it's just riding a bus, for God's sake. But I couldn't. My dad drove me there and waited outside. It took me about two minutes to do what I had to do, anyway.
The afternoon was great. I went out with my high school friend M and her 2-month-old baby. The first time I visited here, and ever since, I suspected something and I confirmed it when I got to her house: she hasn't come out of it, except for when her in-laws take her to their house and help with the baby. Her husband (another school friend of mine) works all day and her parents live in another country. Friends visit, she said, but they stay in the house.
I'd told her we could go out for coffee, but I was prepared, in case she wanted to stay home and have coffee there. But when she opened the door, she was all dressed up and the baby girl was wearing a cute dress. So off we went, to this wonderful cafe/plant nursery near her house and we chatted the afternoon away. When the baby let us. She ate, slept, looked around with eyes wide open. She has a mohawk, I love her for that.
I remember I was a little jealous when I found out they were married and expecting a child, because I wanted the same for Joseph and I (that was when I thought we were on a break). But certainly, it's not easy having such a grown-up life. She adores her baby and husband, but also there's always a price to pay for that and she feels the strain of it. I'm not ready to settle down like that...even if I still were with Joseph, after seeing it in real life, I don't think I'd ask for that. Anyway, we'll go out again, with baby and with no baby. As soon as she feels comfortable leaving her with the in-laws, we'll go out and have fun.
Speaking of prices to pay, it's funny that I'm (re)building this friendship with her, in a way, because Joseph left me. I bought a present for a married couple, friends of his, and I didn't give it to them because we were "on a break". I learned M was pregnant so I decided to mail the present to her instead; it was returned to me and then I decided to quickly drop it off at her house and my parents drove me there. I knocked on the wrong house. And finally, when I went on my own, I found her house and I had all the time in the world to stay. And here we are now, in constant touch. I like her so much.
I came home, ready to meet up with CR at night. But he called with bad news: Fer, a common acquaintance of him, Joseph and I, had had an aneurism. So instead of going out for a drink, CR and I went to the hospital. On the way there, CR told me he was the one who found him, because he'd happened to be at his house at the time. He didn't give much importance to that, saying somebody else would have found him, but I don't think so. The doctors said that five minutes more and it'd have been too late.
I'm not very close to Fer nowadays, but there was a time when we talked a lot; I met him through Joseph, he nearly hooked up with my friend Angie, and we also took some common classes during our first year in the university. I didn't know him then and the gang and I just called him MotorcycleGuy or something, because he dressed like he owned one.
I walked into the waiting room and greeted the people in there. I asked some man if he was his dad, and he said he was his uncle. I remembered then, or rather I gathered, that he doesn't have a dad. Some friend I am, right? Our conversations were never so personal, though. I was hoping we'd get an update on him while we were there, but no doctor came in. Some people came and went, including his famous sister (who dated CR, I think Joseph, and, I've heard, screws the lives of her boyfriends) and friends. We left, because CR hadn't eaten a thing since breakfast and the whole Fer thing killed his hunger for the entire day.
I drove us to a town nearby. We stopped and he ate in a "restaurant" on the sidewalk. Well, it was one or two grills and a bunch of plastic tables and chairs; it was almost 10 pm and it seemed like a place where some guy would show up, take out a gun and shoot somebody. We met up with Al again, who had the darkest expression on his face. He's a friend of Fer's, too. It wasn't a cheerful session. I discovered CR talks way, way, way too much (Joseph had warned me), and I need to start being assertive to tell him to cut it out. He's very optimistic, but too much of that and the rest of the people don't want to hear about it.
Al was also bitter because his girlfriend/exgirlfriend/whatever didn't want to come to the hospital because she was having dinner with friends. I learned they've been together for about 8 years and he seemed fed up and hurt. I heard him talk about her, clearly he'd had enough, and I feared Joseph might have had similar words about me (like "even fucking her isn't enjoyable anymore, for her it's like a duty"). He was very reflective, I suppose having people you care about and are your age and are on the verge of death, makes you reconsider your life altogether. He was pretty somber about it.
We wrapped up the evening when CR finished his steak, past 11 pm. Al apologized for his attitude, but hell, no need for that. I understand perfectly what's going on. I just wish I'd had words of comfort for him. Between my silence and CR's non-stop blabbering, his mood didn't improve much. Until the end. He got a phone call and when he hung up, he seemed determined to enjoy life. Strange.
I drove home and I almost got hit by a car when I tried not to get hit by another car. And I looked at myself and didn't feel very worried about Fer. It's perhaps we're not very close, or I haven't dimensioned the gravity of his disease (which is congenital) and I feel as optimistic as CR. I prayed for him, I hope all goes well. I hope to God there's no brain damage and if there is, it's manageable. I thought about Joseph, but actually, this has nothing to do with him. I don't think he'll care, he stopped talking to him a long time ago. I don't even know if he'll find out...well, yes, CR will tell him. Whatever.
It was a long day, yesterday, and this morning I woke up tired. But now I'm not anxious. I have no plans for the weekend but I'm not anxious. I don't feel the need to go out and forget about Joseph. I don't forget about Joseph, anyway, but...I'm good. All my feelings regarding him remain (love, anger, guilt) but they don't make me uneasy anymore. I did, I compulssively did...I did stuff, and it worked. It's not over with him, but just the fact of waking up and being ok with staying home it's comforting.
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