He loves her; he's braindead; I'm overwhelmed.
Sunday, 02/01/09 - 10:03 pm.

Long, long, long day. My sister and I went to the supermarket in the morning, because my mom is sick. My sister decided to go to some market near Joseph's house and the whole time since I learned that's where we were going, I had a spear through my body, in a spot between my throat and my chest. My heart hurt.

But that pain was nothing compared to his nickname. He logged on, after a week of not seeing him around. "I LOVE YOU CARMEN". Oh, joy, joy, joy. I cried, cried, cried.

I met up with CR shortly after this. We were going to the hospital to check on Fer, who'd had an aneurism on friday afternoon. I told him what was going on with Joseph, and I cried in front of him while driving. We went to a restaurant first. He ordered lunch, I ordered coffee and whiskey. I didn't like it, but I needed it.

I talked this Joseph thing through with him. I'm not going to repeat it, but I remember saying things like he seemed to think I'm a rock, without feelings, because he flaunts his relationship to the world. CR told me Joseph NEVER cheats on anyone, he's a one girl's man, and I felt bad for sending him the e-mail (though I don't really regret it). And then...I don't know. I have to stop thinking he flaunts it to spite me. The truth is, I'm still grieving, but he's on his honeymoon. He certainly tried his best to save our relationship, as friends, even though we had a horrible misunderstanding that screwed me up. So, I'll try not to cry about that.

After our two-hour chat, we headed to the hospital. Fer had gone through some exams and people were expecting results. We waited and waited until 5 o'clock, and then CR and I took off to the town nearby, where he was meeting with two girls he wanted me to meet.

I met them, and we walked through town to an ice cream parlor. They were friends of Fer's, too. As a matter of fact, they'd found out three months ago, that they were related, they were cousins. After the ice cream, I drove the girls and CR to a "hidden" park so they could smoke a joint. CR is growing illegal stuff. I'd never seen it or smelled it, it's strong stuff. It was a little scary, but also exciting; he had it in his backpack the whole time. He and one of the girls did their bussiness, while I talked to the other. They're good people.

We got back to the hospital at 7. I did not like what I saw: there was considerably more people than before, crying. Shit, shit, shit. Minutes later, Fer's sister comes out crying, saying his brain is dead. CR is very preachy and went on and on about the heart and the will to live and the rest of his organs functioning, but yeah. His brain is dead.

I stuck around until 9 o'clock. Walked around, talked to CR, sat alone. I didn't know anybody, except for Grapehead (I mentioned him in here around the time I met Joseph) and Al. I looked at Al, he's very handsome. He was there with his girlfriend and didn't notice me. I lose no sleep over that. I just could use some eye candy once in a while, even at times like this.

And now I'm here. A little apprehensive about the Joseph thing, but determined to get through it...I love him to death but he's chosen a path in life away from me. That's all there is to it, and perhaps I shouldn't take it so personally. And about Fer...still hopeful, but Brother #1 says braindeath is just death.

I start my job tomorrow, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed. And I'm so scared I'll already have to ask for a morning or afternoon off to attend a funeral. January is over, and february (Joseph's birthday month) isn't looking up either.

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