I'm ambivalent but that's better than being an extremist.
Tuesday, 02/03/09 - 10:38 pm.

Another boring day at work. It's because I AM NOT WORKING! Yeah, yeah, I understand I need to know everything about the foundation, but eight hours of listening it's too much. However, I felt confident to go in the kitchen and microwave my lunch. I had lunch with one of the apparently unfriendly secretaries, and although at first she seemed like stone, she ended up giving me a tangerine. I also poured myself a cup of coffee and washed my dishes. I'm starting to feel at home. And the walks to and from work are pleasant.

And I'm learning about landmines. Today I held the prototype of a butterfly mine, made by the Soviet Union used in Afghanistan. I heard horrible stories of amputess, and I feel I could meet Paul McCartney any day.

Other than that...well, after my stoic reaction at Joseph's "I'm getting married", I ended up crying, the way I used to cry those nights when I couldn't get any more than two hours of sleep. I'm very ambivalent. I say it's ok, later I don't feel ok.

Today, during my boring day at work, I kept thinking of Joe. Hey, maybe I should give it a try. Experience says I'll be a terrible girlfriend in all the essential aspects of the relationship, but a fling would be ok. I'll talk to him, eventually he'll ask me if I'm still with Joseph and maybe he'll ask me to go to a movie or something. He did that once, years ago. I said yes, but I was with Joseph, of course, so nothing happened.

And if he says nothing, or he's in a relationship, I will not lose sleep, and maybe I'll even be relieved. But, to escape the boredom of my workday, I imagined us together under some circumstances and I thought it'd be nice. He'd be like a boytoy. And biologically, I'm really attracted to him. Seriously, biologically.

But then I think, I don't want to play with anyone's feelings. Let's assume, perhaps wrongly, that he does feel like giving it a try with me. What if when I see him I regret saying yes? I'm still at that stage in which Joseph = extraordinary, everybody else = ordinary. I still feel ashamed and guilty, even though I try to control those feelings and sometimes it works.

I do my best, really. Last night I looked at the pictures with his girlfriend and part of me said: "look at him. He was not the guy for you. And look how happy he is". Not the guy for me. I suppose having invested four years and a half in him are making it harder for me to convince of that.

I had a patient today, and afterwards I went to the hospital to check on Fer. There was a lot of people, shiny happy people. He moved his toes; he had goosebumps; someone even said he shed a tear. So I got hopeful, and so was everybody. A miracle could happen.

I ran into Al and we hugged. Yay. But I was too overwhelmed to notice, until some time later. A lot of people from university were there, people I'd met through Joseph. So it was awkward, Uncomfortable. They are Joseph's friends, not mine; by now everybody knows I've been dumped and he's dating the real love of his life, and I feel a bit like a loser. Everytime I go to the hospital, I can only hang out with CR or else I'm alone. And CR told me that Joseph had been there.

Al asked me if I wanted to go grab a bite and I said yes, but then I saw him leave with somebody-elses. I did not care. I went with CR to a Burger King nearby, and there was Al with the somebody-elses. Bless CR for putting up with me, because I'd asked him if Joseph had brought his girlfriend and he said yes.

But you shouldn't feel bad at all, she is a beautiful woman. WHAT THE HELL?! I said to myself. He said it was better, because had it been an ugly woman, I'd suffer more to be replaced by something like that. Instead, he went on, I should be flattered. That's CR's logic, and you should understand our conversations are always this peculiar.

I'd lost my appettite so I just had a healthy box of greasy fries. Most of them were eaten by CR eventually. Whenever I say something about Joseph, he starts talking about the human nature. Strange, but it works and I feel better. Not because I *feel* better per se, I just try to jump on his train of thought. Arguments, arguments, arguments. Also, he was awfully surprised to see me in high heels, he compliments me a lot, on my looks and on my intellect. The least I can do to return his kindness is to be a gentleman and open the door for him.

Al came back with us to the hospital. It was nice giving him a ride. There's no chemistry whatsoever between us, aside from -if anything- a nice friendship waiting to be built, but eye-candy and a couple of laughs is good enough. CR and Al will take me to a strip club soon. I need to find one dollar bills.

So I'm home right now, calm. I suppose instead of putting so much energy into Joseph, I just will write another book.

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