Thursday, 8/22/02 - 6:49 pm.
I think I should start with the bad stuff. Just to get things off the way.
It was just 5:45 am and I was already very tired. I'd been thinking about yesterday and I somehow got phisically tired. I was exhausted. Just thinking about all that made me feel bad. Aside from being mad at people, I was mad because, quothing one voice in my head this morning, I miss solitude.
I sat all by myself on the hallway. I didn't greet anyone. No one greeted me. It was like I had (have) the ability to become unnoticed. And I haven't appreciated that ability until now. So I sat alone...and people walked me by.
Veronica was the first one to approached. I turned her down. She kept asking what was wrong, if it was because of her...I supposed she was about to cry. But I didn't say anything. At that moment, I was mad. Yes, at people, including her.
Today we started some activity in psychology class. This semester we're studying perception. The activity is about making a circle with our desks, and putting a chair in front of the classroom. One person has to sit there and listen to some of the classmates telling him/her the way they perceive them. My turn is tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm gonna be embarrased.
I felt kind of bad today for two reasons..well, three. One, I couldn't tell Ricardo anything, I wanted to tell him he always cracks me up. Two, what I did say to some people who got up front wasn't the deepest stuff....Others said it better, with better words, more profound...like they can see a lot of things I can't.
Lately, I've felt very blind. I've felt emotionally blind when it comes to people. Like I can't tell something they're feeling and others can.
And three, I can't find anything good about myself. Not that I hate myself, I just can't seem to find a single word to describe something good about me. It's like I'm just halfway done. I'm nothing. I am not an unique snowflake. I feel like I'm made out of the system itself.
Right now I do feel bad for the way I treated Veronica. I mean, I was indeed mad at her, but also sometimes I think having me as an enemy is the last thing she needs. She sent me a short letter with Adriana today, saying that it seemed I was angry because of her, and that whatever she did or didn't do, she was very sorry. It was three paragraphs long, and I replied with two lines:
No, no. Don't worry.
I love you.
And although I do understand myself for being mad at her, I think it was kind of unfair, because she was the only one I treated bad. So I think I should apologize and tell her it was not because of her. I was just having a hard time.
Now, the good stuff that happened today.
I had the first two periods off, because my computer science exam was going to be in the afternoon. For computer science, they divide in half the classrooms. There are two computer rooms, so each half of the classrooms has a different teacher.
Well, skipping details, I spent one hour with Cel. I love talking to her, I'd never had anyone like her. She's very special and she makes me feel special. I talked to her about all this, how I was feeling...she just listens and understands. She said that if I really needed to be alone she would leave me alone. I told her no, I really don't want to lose my people (her, Art, Vic, et al). It's just that being a social individual brings you responsability for the others and therefore problems with some of them.
Thinking about it, maybe it was because of my lack of social interaction in the past that I'm blind, that I can't see beyond others' eyes.
Art and I talked about Denv. He was still with the idea that there was something I had to tell him. I explained him how things started out between us and how everything evolved. But he did think we were already dating. I suppose that's what he thought I had to tell him. No, wait...then you are together, but not together-together... Um, yeah. Pretty much that way.
Denv and I were together, just the two of us, on the first and third recesses. It was the complete opposite to yesterday (also, I didn't even run into Moses nor any other 7th grader). The nicest thing is that on the third one, he actually went to my classroom, to look for me. I saw him coming in, but I thought he was there for Norman. He didn't see me as I walked by but then I felt his arms around me and he said: ohthereyouare.
The sad part is that when the recess finished and I was walking down the hallway, I saw a lot of sad couples. The obese girl with Sophie, Elsy and Pablo, Vic and his girl...some others. I was happy, Denv just...cheers me up, even if he doesn't know he does. I smiled at all of them but all of them just looked at me, saying hi with their eyes, but not smiling at all.
Vic had said that the pumice meeting would be on the third recess. I asked him if it happened. No, sorry...you see, all of the guys had problems and... Said no more. I did see that. It seemed as if an emotional nuclear weapon had demolished everybody's mood, hence everybody on the hallway floor, with an "I'm going to a funeral" face.
I have the feeling the timing of my happiness is not entirely right.
During lunch, Denv came and sit next to me for a while.
- Him: Hey, you know...I'm starting to adopt your habits....
- Me: Why?
- Him: Yesterday I bought a can of Pepsi and I couldn't drink more than *this* (about 1/6 of the entire can). I could stuck my finger in it and it's like the level never decreased. I couldn't finish it!.
Well, yeah, that's one of my bad habits. In general, when I buy a can of soda, I can't finish it. I thought it was so fuckin' sweet that he remembered that about me.
I told him to go buy lunch, but he didn't, because he had to finish an assignment, about perception (psychology homework). He let me read the way he perceived himself. He wrote he was afraid to let people in, because he could get hurt...he considered himself a "pretty kind of ugly guy". I felt the urge to tell him he was not ugly at all, but a "pretty kind of pretty boy".
On thursdays we both (romms B and D) have classes at 4:00 pm. But sometimes we skip the 15 minutes recess (from 3:00 to 3:15) and we're dismissed 15 minutes earlier. So Norman and I were hanging out after classes and we went to say hi to Fidel, who recently started teaching in 7th grade (afternoon shift). Denv was around.
He greeted Norman and then he came up to me. He put his arms around me and whispered so tenderly awww, here you are. I could only describe the tone he used as...well, imagine you have a baby cocker spaniel and he's afraid of storms and one night the lights went out and he gets lost in your house and then you found him in a corner with a flashlight, shaking. And you go aw, come here.... Um, yeah, that way. Very sweet.
He held me for a long time and I heard him sigh twice. But some kind of deep, hopeless sigh...I could swear it was because of me. I know because I sighed the same way when I arrived home and it was because of him.
He went back to work with Fo and Norman and I stayed with Fidel, talking about stuff. Then it was time for me to leave and Norm asked aren't you gonna say goodbye to your man?. Why, sure I did. We hugged and I bit him and he pretended to be mad at me because yesterday I bit him so hard he almost bled. He showed the scar to Norman.
- Hey, cool biting...you're the kind of woman I like, he said.
- Yeah, too bad she's mine already, Denv replied, putting his arms around me again.
Tomorrow I have my last exam and I can't wait for it to finish. I have yet to study though. And I'm scared about the psychology chair....and I'm mad at myself for being so cold.