Sunday, 02/08/09 - 10:55 pm.
Joseph got married yesterday.
More on that later.
Remember how pathetic I was feeling last night? It went on all night...until Angie called me. She'd just arrived from MN, and was calling me to "touch base", as they say. She sounded really excited, and said to me: I came here for you! I came here for you!. Oh my God. I know that in reality she came for Fer, but what she said and how she said it cheered me up entirely and stopped me from feeling bad. I love her so much.
I waited for her phone call today all morning, because we were going to meet up. She called at noon and said she'd come to my house at 4. She came at almost 5:30. And we headed to the cemetery, so she could see Fer.
I said it yesterday, I love cemeteries. The sun was setting, the wind was blowing. We headed to Fer's grave. She started talking to him, it was hard. I came, see? I came. I know that they'd have had something; they hooked up for a little while some time ago, but I think they were still in love. He'd call her long distance to sing songs to her, or to tell her he looked at the moon and thought of her. Silly love stuff.
She started crying. I held her for a little while and then walked away, so she could have her moment. It broke my heart. She was sitting next to his grave, talking to him, petting the grass. I walked up to her again and we started a light conversation. We ended up laughing and talking about pap smears. Until a lady identified as a cemetery worker came up and didn't shup up, asking questions about who he was, who we were and other people burying their deaths. I wanted her to leave. Another lady came up, yakkity-yak. They ruined our moment. Her moment.
We went back to the car. The place was empty and it was getting dark. It was so beautiful. We took pictures and talked some more. Talked with CR to see where we were meeting up. I told Angie we should leave. There wasn't anybody else around and I feared we'd be locked in. But I didn't feel the creeps, thinking of staying in a cemetery. It sounded appealing.
The STRANGEST thing happened when we were in the car. My CD player turned on. I looked at it and stopped the car. I didn't do anything, Angie! You saw me! I was driving!. She hadn't touched it either, she didn't know it was there. Fuck. It was so awesome. Also, I didn't tell this yesterday, but on my way to the funeral, I got a text message that said nothing. It was a four-digit phone number. Sometimes I get texts from the phone company, but this one was empty. So, so awesome.
So, we met up with CR and Al at some gas station. Angie and CR had a little history together, so they were happy to see each other again...it was nothing formal, they liked each other very much; it didn't happen because she moved to MN around that time. Anyway, wWe decided to go to some underground place to have dinner. CR hopped in my car while Al went to get some money.
I drove to the place. I love driving around with friends. It's kinda new to me. Al caught up with us. Angie is pure sunshine, she lits up the place. Ever since I saw her this afternoon, I've felt happy, like I haven't in a long, long time. She takes out the most hilarious part in me and I love making her laugh. Obviously she stole CR's and Al's attention with her dramatic way of telling stories. I just love her, man.
So anyway, we had a great conversation. I learned Al is an artist, a painter and musician, and he used to work freelance. We talked about Fer, too, and Angie's life in MN. The dinner bill was almost $7. One of the things I love about this country is how cheap the national food is. And it's good stuff, delicious germs.
Al had to leave and Angie had to go see her family, so CR and I stopped at a gast station and spent there almost an hour, talking. We bought milk, we drank it at some bar-like convenient store in the gas station, we walked for a while and then we talked in our car. It was so wonderful, I even felt like kissing him for a moment. We were talking about sex and it was just the two of us. But it's all good, he's a great friend.
Anyway, that's when I found out Joseph got married yesterday, and he is moving to Guatemala soon. It was a blow, but it didn't break my heart. Somehow I'd seen it coming. And as it sank in (and all things in consideration, it did sink in pretty fast), I felt happy for him. I felt...dare I say it, liberated. I've done my best to move on, to fight the feelings of anger, love and regret. But he's happy indeed, and that's what matters. As it turns out, at this very moment, I am happy too.
Also, part of me is thinking he's made a mistake, marrying her in the first stages of their relationship; they've been together for no more than five months, and they haven't seen each other since they were teenagers. That makes me laugh, actually, but then again, it could be that this girl IS the real love of his life and they will grow old together. She isn't as young as I thought, she's my age. I guess she's ready to settle down. CR says that if he's moving to Guatemala, then it's best that he goes there married. Wow. Joseph as a husband; I think he'll do fine. I wonder what his parents said.
How do I feel about this, you may ask. Right now, I just want him to be my friend and talk every once in a while. But also, I'm saying "Joseph who?". Because...
Because when CR and I were talking at the bar...thing, he said something about me looking like a 15 year-old, and he felt the police would arrest him at any minute for hanging out with a minor. Even Al called me cradle robber tonight [while we were having dinner], remember?. Pause. But it's because he's [sings it] jeeeaaa-lous. I said, "why, because I'm stealing you from him?". But...I'm inclined to think he meant something else. He didn't answer my question.
At about 9:30, I drove CR to a mall where Al would pick him up. When Al arrived, he waited in his car while CR finished whatever thing he was saying to me. But then he got out of the car and walked to my window. He said he really liked my friend Angie, we talked about going out tomorrow night and then we kissed goodbye on the cheek. He wished me good night. And when I saw him on my mirror, I let out a: ffffuck, you're pretty. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He. Is. Handsome.
And so, on my way back home, I was singing out loud, grinning, feeling...well, my "feeling funny" nerve working again. Is that possible?! So soon? Did CR really meant what I understood? I said, who cares, enjoy the feeling, you're alive! I started seeing all the moments in which Al has approached me, like at the funeral, or today at the gas station, when I was with my back against my car and he leaned against it sideways next to me. I noticed that. My brain was aware of his body language. It felt nice.
Maybe I'm looking too much into this. He has a girlfriend, and we don't talk much...the cognitive-behaviorist scientists would kill me for saying this, since we can control our feelings, but I can't help feeling like this. This good. And so, Joseph who?
Angie just called me. She asked me if I remembered what she'd told me, about the last song Fer sang to her over the phone. It was a Tracy Chapman song. I was at my uncle's and he grabbed the guitar. He started singing that exact song. Tears piled up and I went to hug him. He asked me what was going on and I explained to him. He said he'd never sang that song before, he just felt like it. That's three "coincidences" about Fer. The text message, the CD player, the song. These days have been quite a ride.
I should get to bed. I have to work tomorrow, and yet it doesn't feel like it. I mean, it's not a drag. I'm looking forward to it, as a matter of fact. Oh, and I'm going out with Angie, CR and Al tomorrow night, too. Scratch what I said yesterday. At least for this week, I have stuff to look forward to. Fuck. I feel happy.
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