Monday, 02/09/09 - 8:03 pm.
I congratulated Joseph on his marriage today. He says he stills doesn't know when he'll leave for Guatemala. And that was all of our conversation. I couln't think of anything important to say, and anyway, I'd only get either a yes/no/whatever. I must admit I didn't sleep more than three hours last night, but I wasn't really hurting. I was just thinking of him, now a husband. I can barely imagine.
While we were in the car last night, CR pointed out that I must be someone very important to Joseph because he remembered my birthday; he's not a very caring person, once you're not his girlfriend. I have to get used to that, he'll treat me like he treats any of his friends. He's not very tactful, that's just how he is. And I think next year, he'll forget my birthday.
But I try to focus on the good stuff. I hope a part of him will always appreciate me, although I don't think he thinks of me at all anymore. Being that he's married now, I tend to believe he thinks about what a goddess his wife is, and not about what a loser his last girlfriend before her was. I have to abandon the idea of ever discussing with him some issues that were left unresolved, at least for me.
Part of me says now, effortlessly, that he wasn't the one for me. Time is doing its job and I don't feel "in love" with him anymore. Another part says he'll divorce within years and we'll find each other again some day. Whatever happens, I say, it's ok. I'm ok. He's still my phantom limb, I love him and I can say that he's been the most influential person in my life, and he's made me a better person. It's a shame that's happening after I let him down and left me.
Now I just have to figure out what to get him for his birthday, that could also work as a wedding gift. Any ideas are greatly appreciated. Before I knew he was married, I thought of a swiss knife, but CR said he owns enough knives and that's true. If I win a literary contest, he gets the laptop (I'm still ambivalent, I don't want the attention, but I want the prizes: money for me, laptop for him). CR said I should get him a pillow, one can never have enough pillows. It's a cute idea, but I don't know yet. Thoughts?
Anyway...I wasn't thinking of writing so much about Joseph. I'm quite content on my own, and another reason why I couldn't sleep last night was because I was thinking of Al. I seriously like him, and so I was having all kinds of fantasies and I kept giggling like a schoolgirl. Same thing all day long today; my workday is loooong, but I was happy and excited because I was thinking of him, and I couldn't wait to see him tonight.
Which didn't happen. Angie stood me up for the evening, and CR (my link with Al) was too busy to go out. So I undolled-up and had dinner with my family and realized I'd spend the night at home. That STILL didn't kill my good mood, and that's saying a lot. I'll take anything that comes my way, and I'll have more chances to see him in the near future. We may go out tomorrow night.
I worry that I'm getting too hopeful, though. I like thinking of him, and it makes me feel good and alive and I forget about Joseph. I think of him and I say to myself that I'm just seeing what I want to see. But he has a girlfriend. And I don't know him. And I want to run my fingers through his hair, because it's long but not too long and sometimes a lock falls on his face and at Fer's funeral he had a ponytail and it looked cute...wait, scratch this last sentence, it doesn't belong to the category "arguments to stop thinking about him that way".