Monday, 02/16/09 - 10:19 pm.
Last night I got a huge blow, when I noticed Joseph had deleted his Facebook account. See, it's not like he uses it. But I was certain it had to do with me tagging him on a picture of my graduation day (the day he dumped me...good times). I felt slightly depressed, but not so much. I told myself it'd help me get used to the distance even more.
To my surprise, his account was back up within an hour. He'd only untagged himself from the grad picture, but even left the one where he's bending a flame with his hand (so cool). I have no idea what happened, and I don't quite care, or at least I shouldn't. I thought maybe his wife had something to do with it. Whatever, he's still my friend on Facebook. Big deal. Yes. Still, that hour put me in a lot of distress.
By the way, I can't believe I'm getting paid for doing nothing at work. I'm dreading the day things will pick up, though.
Perhaps it's because Angie left and I'm without someone to laugh things off with, but I was really sad in the morning, thinking about Joseph. Like, dude, how come you stop caring about someone so quickly? Alright, perhaps it wasn't so quickly for him, but I don't know, man. It's still heartbreaking. I'm no one to him anymore, and I'd really been no one to him for a while before he broke up with me.
In the afternoon I got a little distracted and I stopped feeling bad, but during my bathroom breaks I kept thinking about what to get him...and his wife. And then CR texted me and asked me to meet up in some place because he wanted to talk.
Yeah, yeah, I thought the same thing, but it wasn't that, it was just a drive to hang out. I always welcome those chances, so I got out of the house, walked around the mall, saw an old patient of mine (luckily she didn't see me, because I failed her, when I was young and stupid), looked for an ATM to withdraw cash with my awesome debit card and found none, and then CR arrived. I told him I couldn't find an ATM, as we were walking next to one. So I did it, for the first time in my life. Holy shit, it felt so neat. I think I'm in love with debit cards.
We went to grab a bite and unfortunately my feelings on the Joseph thing monopolized the conversation. CR was a gentleman as usual, validating me and shit. But he did say she's the perfect girl for him. Even though I suspect that, it hurts hearing it.
I was telling him this thing about not caring about my feelings, and in a nutshell, he said it was true. I had to stop him on this. When I found out about Carmen, I asked him what about you and your feelings.... I finished the sentence: "and he said 'I don't give a shit'". Yes. That you'd make it through. Joseph made it through when he had a major heartbreak years ago...but not everybody handles things like he does, and it seems he assumes the opposite.
I kept talking about him not giving a shit about my feelings, but by then I had cheered up a little and even decided to get him a couple of pillows as birthday/wedding gift...they have to have a house someday, right? It just sucks that someone you love so much doesn't care about how their actions hurt you. CR says one shouldn't say those things, you must never give a shit about people. But Joseph is gone in every possible way from my life, so I'm sure he doesn't share CR's point of view.
So I came home and took silly pictures and put on music and I don't feel so much like crap anymore. But I may give in and cry a little eventually. I don't really want to; but just for the sake of it. Usually I've been getting good at not giving a shit about him.
Fuck, man, I have to work on my scholarship application.
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