Wednesday, 02/18/09 - 7:32 pm.
I've been doing numbers, on things I want to purchase and trips I want to make. It's nice earning your own money. The things are easy and I pretty much have them covered, but the trips are turning out to be quite expensive.
One is the psych congress in june-july. First, I hadn't realized it's for five days, I'm scared to take the entire week off at work. Second, as said above, it's turning out to be very expensive, and I don't know if my friend Art will come with me in the end for that reason.
After seeing traveling fares, I thought of something, and I did it tonight: ask Joseph. It was a silly question, but he was nice and even asked a more knowledgeable guy he had on his contact list. It felt good talking to him, not even the picture of him and his wife ruined it. It was like, hey, we still get along.
I feel bad for him when I read his nick, that he needs a job. I don't know why but it breaks my heart. I told him of some small gig I'd seen and he just said ok. I sort of said I was an executive assisstant, the refined name for a secretary, and he didn't say anything. I'm learning I mustn't talk about me, because he doesn't really care. He told me about going to Guatemala to celebrate his birthday. So, rules: listen to him (he doesn't talk much about himself, anyway) and stick to talking about favors, either asking him one or doing him one.
In fact, he asked me if I still had his resum�. I wanted to reply with "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA", but I said hold on, and then said no. Of course not, I erased it when I realized we'd broken up and I had a little crisis and felt like deleting everything about him because it hurt so much looking at something I did not have anymore. I offered him a resum� model and he thanked me. I had to log out so next time I'll send it to him. It's going to be a little hurtful because I know he'll just thank me and then we'll run out of things to say.
Although I'm glad we're in good terms and we still can chat a little, I'm very bitter. Walking to and from work, I feel really miserable. At work, too, but sometimes I can fight that when I focus on tasks on by thinking of other people. I'm not complaining about life, my life is pretty good. But it hurts. He hurts. I still feel replaced and forgotten, because I know that the last thing you want to think about when you're with your beloved spouse is your exes. I feel worthless, like a loser, a piece of shit. And I'm a bitter person, who still feels like crying in the middle of the day.
And it's just this specific part of my life. I've never felt prettier before, and now I'm confident enough to take pictures of myself smiling and making faces. So it's not that I'm the unhappiest person on earth, but I still carry an unbelievable weight in my heart, and I'm still in awe by how things ended, and by how things went on so smoothly for him afterwards.
Yesterday he put up a picture of him and his wife at the beach, both dressed in white (really rare in him), with the sunset as a background. Maybe that's their wedding picture, I don't know. And I saw how pretty she is, and looking at her, at both, reminds me of how I failed at keeping the person I've loved the most in my life. I lost him. CR says she's "sweet and cuddly", and I feel so bad because Joseph couldn't find that in me.
Oh, well. I suppose I'll go find something else to do to avoid thinking about this more than I already am. But thanks, diary, I appreciate having somewhere to write this down.
PS: my friend Angie ended up in the E.R. last night. She cut herself after breaking up with her boyfriend, but this time she cut an important vein and lost a lot of blood. It's freaky, because she's a completely different person in Minneotta (that's the second trip I've been planning, for august, but I doubt I'll make it; it's too expensive) than she is here. She's really self-destructive and sad. I wish she came back, because she's happy, she's herself, here. And I hope I get the scholarship in MN.
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