Thursday, 02/19/09 - 9:26 pm.
Whew, just coming in from work. Tonight there was a Board of Directors meetings and I had to write down everything. It ended at 8:10 pm.
I'm exhausted, mostly because I was tense all day, figuring out how to feed these men. Traditional gender role; I'm there to feed them and take notes. I even had to prepare a watermelon. But anyway, it was ok. And this girl that works there, that at first seemed a little distant, helped me out a lot and was awfully nice. Everybody is really nice, actually, and are always willing to give me a hand. It's a neat place to work.
I sent Joseph the resum� model and he said "cya, gotta go sorry" after receiving it. I just said bye, but I'm holding back tears. Not many, because I knew something like this would happen. And should you care about this, I still have my moments, very long moments, in which I feel bad over losing him.
Yesterday I read an article on the four things that make your man a keeper. By the end, I was crying because Joseph, with all his imperfections and incompatibilities, IS a keeper (because Yahoo! Dating says so...it also says how to survive the break-up, I'm already doing that). And he's the guy for me but I'm not the girl for him. Yeah, clearly. Otherwise, I wouldn't be planning a trip to a store on saturday to get Mr. and Mrs. Smith a wedding present.
Every time I take a break from my desk, I think of him. Even when I don't take a break, I think of him. And I suppose it's no use repeating my thoughts here, they're pretty much what I've been saying for months. Sometimes I get enlightened and I think of something new, perhaps a new clever line to explain what happened or to express how I'm feeling. But it's the same old shit. I just can't believe I barely matter for him anymore.
And I feel like I'm choking. My heart hurts. If I let myself, I start breathing fast, for the sole reason that it hurts so much. It's not just his absence, but also the reasons for it. Not that I don't miss him in my life, but looking at the reasons, it's just adding insult to injury. That's the perfect way to describe it.
When I broke up with my boyfriend of five years, I cried so hard that the skin on my nose started peeling from blowing it so much. I didn't cry on Valentine's Day, his birthday, or the other "big" occasions when I thought loneliness would set in. I cried at the tiniest things -- when I saw a monkey on TV that I knew he'd laugh at, or when I smelled a whiff of his sporty deodorant at Duane Reade. Of course people told me it would get easier with time -- and it did -- but what they didn't tell me was that it would get harder with time before it got easier.
Every day that passed was marked. I'd think, "I can't believe this is the first Saturday without him as my date", or "How could 4 months have passed without us talking?"
Breaking up is more than hard to do... it feels totally unnatural, counter-intuitive, and down-right unfair to stop talking to someone you're used to talking to daily.
Of course, if the breakup was fueled by something lousy that your partner did -- or something hurtful that you did -- anger and guilt can transform the mourning process...
Four tips for the broken-hearted. Thank you, Yahoo! Dating. I'm skipping the tips, though, I found the rest of the article more comforting. Everything was yes, yes, yes, that's exactly how I feel/how it's going.
My friend Dan always says that breakups happen twice -- once in your heart, and once out loud. By the time the breakup is done, no doubt that there were sleepless nights or resolutions made to change the situation. Once you get to the point where a relationship just isn't working, or if the other person has terminated something you thought had more potential, don't beat yourself up. It's easier to say with distance and time -- but usually these things are a blessing in disguise. When we start to date again, we often realize how wonderful it feels to be appreciated for some of the quirks that annoyed or upset our ex, or how amazing it is to be fulfilled and fully present with someone else.
I don't really feel like being with someone else, though. I think it'd be nice but I'm not into it right now. For starters, I have such a hard time finding someone I really like and that likes me back. It's not that I feel I'm doomed to be alone, but I do feel like I'm going to carry this weight, that feels, among other things, like...like betrayal? Yeah. Sometimes I feel like Joseph betrayed me.
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