Saturday, 02/21/09 - 1:48 am.
I couldn't wait to go out tonight. This has been a week of relapse, of constantly feeling miserable over Joseph. Last night I cried so hard, so, so hard, that my eyes were swollen this morning. Where's all this coming from?
I picked up CR at our spot. He suggested a few places but I hated the ideas, because they all were in an area in between Joseph's house and my house. The thought of running into him and his adored wife was too much. So we went to a bar near my house, the lowest of the lowest, where everybody dresses entirely in black. A band was playing and CR and I decided we didn't want to get in and listen to that crap. CR chuckled, because last time he was there, he got into a brawl.
We drove around until we found a tiny, tiny restaurant, where he had something to eat, hot chocolate and a banana shake, all for $2.40. I liked the place. It was nearly empty and it was a little boring, with CR and his extremely intellectual conversations, but the music was good. It's a nice place to go to with a bunch of peole, and it has a view.
It came to my attention that although I'm hurting badly over Joseph, I didn't really feel like talking about it with CR. Or rather, I didn't know what to say. My thoughts had escaped me. And I knew that, in the end, no matter what I said, it wouldn't change anything. CR would know and that's it. He's very empathetic but he's not going to run off to Joseph and tell him about me and magically convince him of filing for divorce and getting back to me. I told CR I was trying to write something out of this whole mess, and he said it's because it's still too fresh. Would an amputee write an Ode to His Missing Limb, two days after the amputation surgery?*.
He had texted Al in case he wanted to join us. I wanted to return his Watchmen comic. Nothing happened, so again, CR and I drove around aimlessly until we got to the town nearby, until finally Al texted back saying he was at a bar that we shall call Moon (for that's pretty much its name). We were pretty far away from it, but we made it there quickly.
We couldn't find a parking spot, the place was packed. When we did, we realized that nearby there was Al's car, and he was in there, smoking pot with a couple of friends. I learned he was performing tonight, and I saw a tattoo he had on his arm. Pretty awesome. I knew he and the late Fer had a band at some point in their lives.
We got in...wow. I don't think I'd ever been in a gig like that, when in reality it's such a normal thing to attend for someone my age. A very respected ska/rock band was playing. Al got me in for free, which was so cool. I felt important.
CR and I stood near the control room. Al dissapeared and came back with two beers. He gave one to CR and then he stood in front of me and cracked the sweetest smile, offering it to me. I babbled something but he said that we could share it. So everytime I took a sip I'd think "it's like remotely kissing him, right?". I'm not very fond of beer, and I think this is as much as I've ever drank, half a can. I'd just drink for the sake of it.
I enjoyed the gig, those guys are into something. I loved the bass player...he looked like Joseph, only a bit more handsome. Say, who knew that I'd be able to say that? He had piercings and tattoos, and an unbelievable energy. I once saw Joseph hold my electric guitar and I thought what a waste that he's not a musician. "Well, what is he?", I asked myself at that moment, with the music pounding in every part of my body. I couldn't think of anything. For a second I thought I'd seen him in the mosh pit (crazy shit, man!) but it wasn't him. And I was having such a great time that I don't think it'd have mattered if I'd found him there with Mrs. Smith.
Al took to the stage for three songs. He plays the bass, too (I guess I should switch from vocalists and guitarists to bass players). It turns out he also belonged to a well-respected band, I remember hearing its name and stuff. The awesomeness continued.
After his performance, he walked up to CR and me. He asked CR something and then he leaned in and asked me to come out with him for a while. I have to admit I got hopeful, and also, I almost tripped down some stairs. That'd been something for the audience to remember, huh? But it was just so he and a friend could have some...I don't know, some drug. I don't know if it was ganja, something equally harmless but still illegal. CR didn't come out. Later we found out he misunderstood the invitation.
Al offered me some but I passed. He knew I would, I guess, but he was just being polite. By then it was midnight and I said I was going to take off. He said I should get back inside to say goodbye to CR. I found him dancing, and it's funny because he looks like my uncle. Not like any uncle of mine in particular, just an uncle I could have.
I ended up staying until the end of the gig. What the hell, I said. CR said one day I'd learn being in a hurry is useless, and I was in a hurry only because of my parents. Me, I was having a great time. Sure the place was packed with smoke and I was starting to get a little headache, but it was all good.
Al said goodbye to me because he wanted to go get a beer. CR said he needed to take his backpack out of my car, and I think he wanted Al to walk me, along with him, to the car. In fact, tonight I realized that CR is kinda trying to set me up with Al, because he says things like I should start talking to him (after CR sent him the text and I gave him the phone, saying I didn't want to answer it if he called), or that it was good that he and I were outside for a while, even if he wasn't, because that way we could get to know each other better. Give me a break, we barely talked.
Al is really sweet; the getting me in for free, the standing in front of me to give me a beer...but he shows no interest in me aside from that, and it's been a week since I decided I wasn't going to expect anything from him. He's a little crush but I expect nothing in return. It's better that way. I don't think I'll be able to get so involved in another relationship, like I did with Joseph.
If there was any doubt about his lack of interest in me, CR told Al I was leaving and he needed to get his stuff in Al's car. The underlying message was "let's walk her to her car", even I could tell, but Al just took out his car keys and handed them to CR. CR insisted and we even waited a little more. But I started fearing it might look like I was the one waiting for Al. Finally, I left.
I found a couple of missed calls from home. I called back and I didn't recognize my mother. I said I was on my way home and she said, in the weirdest voice (I guess I'd awoken her), that I should let them know when I'm running late. No guilt on my part; I came home smiling, ready to face whatever was necessary. But they were asleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll get a lecture, but so it goes. I respect and appreciate that they worry about me, but their automatic thought is that something has gone or will wrong.
So, I'll get to bed. I have a patient tomorrow. And I'm getting Mr and Mrs Smith a present, to get through with that. And perhaps I'm going out with my old friend Victor, from high school.
* Speaking of amputation, today I rode in my legless boss' car. He's a good driver.
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