Monday, 02/23/09 - 9:17 pm.
God, I just submitted my pre-application for the scholarship. Deadline is on Joseph's birthday (this saturday) but I needed to be spared the agony of checking it over and over. God, God, I hope they get it, I hope they accept it, I hope they choose me.
I feel terribly anxious right now. I want to throw up, my stomach is in knots, my heart is shattered. Perhaps it's because of all the hard work and faith I put in my pre-app, or just the fact that Joseph hasn't come online for days and I'm thinking that maybe he doesn't have internet access anymore, which would mean he and his Mrs moved out of his parents' house. Ergo, the present I bought for them (HIM) cannot be delivered.
I've been thinking about his parents. They are good people. I'd like to go see them for their birthdays and holidays, and maybe as soon as Mr and Mrs Smith move out. I wonder what they think of their son's marriage, I wonder if they even know. I wonder if they still miss me and think of me as a daughter. I wonder if they ended up loving their son's wife as much as they love(d) me.
This morning I thought a lot about Joseph and I almost burst in tears at my desk, at work. Lunch with coworkers calmed me a little, and in the afternoon I was more calm. And I even said to myself, self, listen: sure he screwed up, by breaking up with you in the car, on your graduation day, telling you it was just a break. But, he did what he thought would be less hurtful for you. It backfired miserably, but he was trying to do the least damage possible. And then he went on with his life, which hurt you because you thought you two were still attached, but you weren't and he was living life accordingly. That sounds accurate, no?
(I've been thinking if there was another way for him to do it; there is. He could've chosen another day and a less mobile setting, and just shoot the reasons why he didn't want to be with me anymore. Whenever he'd said "we should break up", I'd cry and beg him not to, but in those cases, it was like he wanted the break-up to be mutual. I would have cried and begged the same, but I would have understood that this time he wasn't asking for my opinion but simply informing me of his decision).
So I try not to be bitter. Still, I walk to and from work like I hate my life. Frowning, looking down, slowly. It makes me happy when it's windy, it makes me happy when there are no sexual harrassers; but I'm always thinking of him. I'd kinda like it that he saw me walking down the street, because I think he doesn't think I'd be capable of that...the old me wasn't. But I guess he has his own routine and his own life now, far away from the streets I walk on.
Please, pray that I'm accepted for the scholarship, and that Joseph is still living at his parents' house. His birthday/wedding gift must be delivered tomorrow. CR will do it for me.
prev / next