Monday, 04/13/09 - 8:21 pm.
I had a lousy afternoon. A harrasser on my way home (not at me exactly, or at least not just at me) and having to cancel my patient because the clinic had no electricity. I'm wondering if the lights were really out or they just shut down everything at night and nobody told me. I really hope is the latter, though, because I touched some switches and then I didn't know if I left them on or not.
I was bitter, but then I thought that not everything is a loss. I really had no clue about what to do with my patient today. It's been so long since W has given me any feedback on my cases and I'm lost. So if anything, I bought myself some time, maybe Mr. Busy will see me this week. He has to. He knows one of my patients is having suicidal thoughts.
Not too many nights ago, Joseph had written on his MSN nickname "I love you my Carmen" and it killed me. I blocked him inmediately and I tried not to look at that anymore (now he's changed to just "I love you", and that I can bear with). I don't know what it is. I told two people that seeing this made me feel like crap and they said that maybe I still have feelings for him. Of course, I'll always have feelings for him. But I'm sure it wasn't it. After soul-searching hours, I figured it was just my ego that hasn't completely healed, and still thinks I was replaced too quickly, too drastically.
My first thought is that this is so unfair. Who knows since when Joseph had thought of breaking up with me for real (and seriously, he spent our entire relationship telling me it was best to part ways), but I'm sure he had a proper grieving process, unlike me who lived in painful doubt for months. Not only he grieved knowing what was going on; he was rewarded for his choice: while I lived in doubt, he was already falling in love with and shagging someone else, someone who made his life much better than I ever did, apparently. So I guess that's what hurts me the most (God, I'm crying right now).
Then I think it's not "unfair", really, that's just how things are. I just wasn't lucky, he was. He was lucky or whatever, that things turned out in a way that he could mend his heart so quickly, to the point of finding someone that wanted and could marry him in no time. He wasn't clear to me, I was in the dark for months, and by the time I saw the light, it was like coming back from a coma, "when did all this happen? when did someone take my place?". It hurts, man. I don't call it unfair anymore, but it hurts the same.
I have tried to wish him well, and it works at times, but in general, I wish for karma to catch up with him. Then I think he did the best he could to cause the less harm possible to me, because after all, he took his time to clear things up in the end and has said hi to me a couple of times online. But also...I don't know. I remember when he'd talk to me about her so casually, and I was thinking, "man, I don't want to hear about her. I'm glad you're happy, but I don't want to hear about her at all".
He's had a bunch of relationships through his life so it wouldn't surprise me that he's experienced this horrible feeling. But if so, then it just pisses me off more how tactless he's been, knowing what a nightmare being replaced is. He was right when he said I'd be fine, but he certainly didn't contribute to the cause. I know he got over me quickly and moved on with his life, but in the process he forgot about my feelings. And I'm afraid this is something he'll never pay for. And hey, we're back to "unfair". I'm so hurt by this that I really want him to pay for it. And I'm afraid he won't (hell, he never even paid me my $200 back).
Ah, fuck. I should stop thinking all this, it's just making me uneasy and tearful.
Yesterday my baby nephew got back to Houston. I miss him so much but I had a great time with him. My parents, my sister, his kid and I went to drop him and his mom off at the airport, and then we had Subway to heal our achy hearts. That's awesome by all means.
The thing is, I told them I'm going to California in august. They asked why and I said to visit friends and maybe an university or two. They said, "cool", and that was it. So I can say I have their blessing. And also, I can say that I'm very neurotic and I didn't do many things in the past because of my parents' reaction in my head.
I was so grateful for so many things that I decided to go to church yesterday, too. I don't go, but I thought Jesus coming back to life was indeed something to celebrate. I'm a firm believer, I'm just annoyed by religion. And listening to the priest yesterday reminded me why. But anyway, I felt compelled to attend, and also it made my parents, my mom especially (such a religious woman), very happy. It was a win/win situation, for me, my parents and God.
Earlier, Blackie had come by to give me a gorgeous Paul McCartney doll she made. Thank you so much, I'm in love with it! My parents were amazed by it and told me to get one for my baby nephew, so there'll be more orders in the future :)
I'll order one for Art, too, but as august approaches. Art...I love him. I love him. I love him. He's caring and thoughtful and clever. I was telling my friend Victor that I was scared that distance would make our relationship fade away. He's a wise guy, and he said relationships can be built on distance, too. Regardless, Art and I are building something. Victor is great with words so he soothed me. And as I was talking to him, Art came online, as if just to prove me wrong on some things I was saying. He came by quickly but instead of saying goodbye, he said "I love you". Ouch. My heart skipped a beat.
Damn, it's been a while since I wrote an entry this long.
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