Thursday, 04/16/09 - 9:55 pm.
Today I found out why I got hired at my job: the Board of Directors chose someone else, but when they called her the next day, she told she had won a scholarship and was leaving the country. And I got the call. I don't know, irrelevant and yet interesting piece of my personal history.
Last night was awful. I bawled. It was silly, really: I heard news on the situation of women in the Middle East (property of men, etc.), I remember the 14-year-old girl that was found guilty of getting raped (!) and got publicly stoned to death, I heard my dad being an asshole to my mom, I remembered how my male coworkers see women as inferior, a joke and an insult, and I remembered the times I've been harrassed on the streets while going to or coming from work. I told my friend Victor online and I started to cry.
Victor validated my feelings, and I know he genuinely understood. He's the kind of guy that restores your faith in men, if you're a girl feeling vulnerable and slightly violated by everyday gender relations; and that's very rare to come by (the guy, not the relations). He's wonderful.
Also, Art was online but wasn't talking much to me. I told him I felt like crap and explained why, but he took the "it could be worse" and the "men also have it rough" approaches. I know men also suffer by the social expectations, I know HE does, but I know there are children starving in India for that matter. He turned around everything I said, although his intention was to make me feel better by giving me another perspective. I know those other perspectives, but last night I gave in to the most painful one and for a while I lost control.
After that, he didn't talk much again, and I was starting to doubt my feelings for him...and his feelings for me. When he said he was leaving, I said ok. He said he didn't like that, that it sounded like I didn't care as I used to. Well, I said, you sound like you don't care as you used to, too. Brief talk on the subject, and it turned out we were both having a bad night.
But me, today I've also been doubting my feelings for him. I think is the distance and the fact that I fear that there's not a lot of future for us, given the distance. I thought about it all day. And I waited for a text message from him, and it didn't arrive until 5 pm, that only said "points or hoops?". I said hoops, but I don't know what he meant. Then I got another message, letting me know he'd play BKB and come online later.
So what do I feel now? I love him, that I can assure you, and I want to see him badly. Last night was awful and that probably had an effect on me. And it's not like I can hug him (man, I'm dying to do it) the next day and talk everything out face to face. I learned with Joseph that talking serious stuff online can lead to misunderstandings, so I really don't feel very free to discuss some things with Art, even though he's very open minded (as far as I know). But yeah, I'm in love with him. I'd think about him, wonder what I felt about him and I'd feel something in my heart. Oh, it's definitely love.
Anyway! Tonight is different. I've had an awesome night, because W finally reviewed my cases. But beyond that, I had a very powerful insight thanks to him.
I've been neglecting psychology, first of all. I should catch up and keep reading. And mostly, work on my personal traits. My powerful insight was along the lines of seeing a high authority in my mind, my SuperEgo, and thus feeling inferior, even though the reality is different most of the times (recall the "I'm going to California" episode, in which I imagined my parents would scold me and frown at me and instead they just said "cool" and changed topic). And this translates in my poor ability to debate, even though I have all the arguments. I get wrapped up in the other person's point of view and THAT is a problem when the other person is your patient, whose point of view is so disfunctional that it has him leading a miserable life.
Oh, well. I'm motivated to improve my traits, in order to be a better person and a better therapist. And right now I'm talking to Art, so if you'll excuse me, I'll go make love to my laptop because that is all I can do at the moment.
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