Monday, 8/26/02 - 2:32 pm.
Usually, I don't like to label days. Some say mondays are an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. I agreed with that statement today. Geez, have a bad monday and label them all as bad days.
Academically it sucked, because I got my math and science grades. Hi, I failed math. Hi, I passed science as mediocre as it can be passed. Goodbye.
- Me: I am Jack's graceful unhappiness.
- Roberto: You are Jack's hidden smile, my love.
- Me: Jack...does not smile on days like this one.
Because...emotionally, I'm empty. And physically, I have a terrible flu. Well, now it's not that terrible, but in the morning I wasn't feeling well. I felt my face as Renee Zellwegger's, because my nose was so stuffed I couldn't even open my eyes properly (but that's just me, I don't think it was really happening). I had temperature and a raspy voice. On the bright side, it's the kind of flu that gives me an astonishing stoicism.
It's a good thing, because Denv didn't notice me when he arrived to school. It's a good thing because Denv, in a nutshell, barely cared about me today.
Well, ok...the second recess was kind of cool, because we were together and we had a somewhat deep conversation. We were talking about epicurism (making a living based on just pleasure) and the next logical step was to start talking about stoicism (being imperturbable). I told him that being stoic was much better than being epicurist. Well, yeah...maybe it's true. That way things don't get to you. I don't know if there was a connection between these topics, but one thing lead to another and what started as a story about his trip to the beach finished off as a complain about people telling him to be "more open".
You see, he told me a friend of his gave him a letter, saying that she felt they both were tearing apart, they were losing contact and that if he didn't open himself to others, he'd end up alone. Then Veronica wrote me a letter, telling me the same things, and that I could count on her to tell her my problems...c'mon! I don't know her, I don't even know her last name!. And honestly, I'm just fine with keeping the problems to myself, I don't need anyone to talk about them with, let alone a stranger.
One of the things I've heard a lot about Denv is that he keeps a lot of things to himself. And he told me that. And I said it was ok. People are always trying to make you see they're there for you, but they just make you feel you must trust in them and tell them everything or else there's no friendship. As if you owed them something. I nearly laughed when I heard what he said about Veronica, because I really thought they were good friends. But once again, I've discovered that Veronica likes to pretend she knows the others very well and she's the Listening Goddess.
I was dying to tell him that I know how he feels. But I just told him that it's stupid how some people seem to expect their relationships with others to remain the same way forever. Relationships change because people change. You move away or you approach to others. I don't know why Denv and this girl are lacking of interaction now, but I can tell that the same has happened to me with a lot of people and although is kind of heartbreaking, you only have to accept it and find others.
Having in mind the enourmous amount of people in this world, I doubt I'll ever end up alone.
I understand him. Only I didn't tell him I understood him, I just told him...that things like that happen. I'd never force him to tell me what's wrong with him if he doesn't want to tell me. Usually, I let people open up by themselves. I'm that way, I only talk when I want to whom I want.
I could swear that the "moving away" process is happening to me with him right now, because that conversation wasn't more than 5 minutes long. And we didn't have a lot of contact besides that (although if you want to be optimistic, it was a good quality time and they say it's "quality over quantity"). He did hug me today, twice. But that's about it. It all felt very plastic. I suppose I might as well start the struggle for getting over him.
Thank God I'm stoic. My tears over him when I was alone in my room were very stoic, too.
On the third recess, we barely had contact but I gave him a letter. Well, it wasn't a letter. It was a black page (out of my black notebook) with a tiny cartoon I drew with colored gel pens, in the center of the page. It was Simeon holding a telephone in front of S.G.D.T. (his brother) saying: It's the loaning department. And S.G.D.T. was replying: Hey, thanks. The enviroment was a fridge in the background. It's not supposed to mean anything. He laughed and said thank you (I really didn't even think of that possibility).
People laugh when things are meaningless and don't bring consequences.
I suppose I could go on with my day, but with a mood like this one, the only thing that matches is a frustrating math exercise written in tongues. That, by the way, has to be resolved by me.
My horoscope for today:
reflect on an affective dilemma that is requesting for a solution. Solve it or let it go, but focus in obtaining inner peace.