Wednesday, 04/29/09 - 11:08 pm.
So, it's raining (the first storm of the year) and Art is not talking to me. He must've fallen asleep or gone away or whatever. It doesn't make a difference. It just reminds me, it's not real. We're friends calling each other affectionate names.
So I'm feeling a little nostalgic right now. I don't know, it started to rain and I registered that Mr and Mrs weren't online and I pictured them briefly in my head having sex. It was a bad joke, and the image comes from my archives, because I know what it's like to make love to Joseph while it's raining at night. So I suppose I just switched faces, there's a new body under him.
Ok, ok. I shouldn't even be thinking about this stuff.
But seriously, Joseph, you're asking how my mom is? He did, you know. This was a very calm afternoon at work so I went online. He talked to me, told me my nicks always made him confuse me with other people, and he was bored, and how much do I earn, and how's my mom. I do feel like I'm talking to any other casual acquaintance. But then I take distance, and I have to ask, seriously?
Again, it's my fault. Really, a part of me just wants to say: I can't find a better way to tell you this without losing the intended meaning, so here it goes: go eat shit, Joseph. You and your wife. Go away and stop talking to me, please.
Why don't I do it? Why don't I, at least, block them? Reason 1: I'm afraid it'd make all my previous niceness like an act of hypocrysy. Reason 2: I don't want to severe all of my ties to Joseph, I guess. I suppose it hurts to make him dissapear, to lose him entirely...even though I think that's the way to go. The healthier thing would be for me to walk away even further. I didn't block him or erase him because I didn't think he'd care to talk to me anymore. He didn't care about my feelings when he started out with his wife (and yeah, technically, he didn't have to), so why would he want to know how my mom is now? Reason 3, which probably ties with reason 2: I don't want to be forgotten.
He treats me like I'm his friend, and like I said, it's probably my fault. I act like it's ok when it's not. Will I ever recover from this wound? As I write this, I feel a huge hole in my heart and a knot in my throat. I'm thinking how things are unfair and while he's joyfully making love to my replacement, I'm here with my face in a ditch (hey, that's what an Aerosmith song says...I'm getting back to my roots). Nothing can happen to repair this damage, can it? And I don't mean that I want them to get the swine flu or anything, I just...I don't know. Joseph's wife talks to me like I'm her friend and I'm thinking, have you got no fucking empathy?!?! I know Joseph had a share of heartbreak, including a girl who broke up with him and started dating someone else -with serious intentions- the next day, so he probably thinks he knows how I feel and that I'll recover. So that's all I'll get, huh?
I feel like I'm breaking down. I find it natural, though, I've been strong for too long. Art said today that I spoke of this Joseph thing so casually that he'd forget he hurt me. I said, it must be the same thing for Joseph. And it's best that I cry about this now, or else I will be rolling on my mattress for hours until dawn.
Ok...I've released some of my pain now.
Tattoo talk: people are just making me think over and over about getting a tattoo. Right now I have drawn Frog on my inner wrist, thinking I should begin with something small. And I love how it looks. I miss her very much...perhaps even more than I miss Joseph? Haha. But you see, she never hurt me, so she gets extra points for that. She was nothing but a bundle of joy (and fat) in my life.
Argh. Hopefully I can go to the tat studio this week and discuss it. One has to be so very careful when getting inked. I feel confident that I want one. That I can tell you. But people start saying it's forever and you know how sometimes one changes his/her mind? Like Joseph did, when he used to say he would never be able to love anyone else that came along after me and now he's married to, like, the best woman (?) ever? I'm afraid I could have that change of mind eventually, although right now I see no reason why. If it's nicely done, and I think I have the right person to assure that, then I'd have nothing to worry about. I see myself getting a tat (or two, or three) and being fond of it for the rest of my life.