Thursday, 04/30/09 - 9:12 pm.
I was sad yesterday. And I dreamed that Joseph and I were in the car, and he had a letter to give me and he started to fold it. We got out of the car and he walked me to my destination: my high school. He finished folding it and I wanted to cry...and I looked him in the eye, when he gave me the letter, hoping he'd notice my pain. I don't know if he did. I walked into my school and rock music started playing; my alarm. 6:20 am.
In spite of that, I was in a good mood the whole morning. I was a bit more sorrowful in the afternoon, but I managed to have a good day. Work was calm, also. But it made me so sad to know that the Economic Opportunity Coordinator is leaving. She was hired with me, and she's such a nice, smart woman. Now we're just four women, out of 17 people. The one thing I do not like about my job is the macho mentality of my coworkers; they're not harrassers, but by their comments, you know they see women in a very traditional, estereotyped way, refering, for instance, to someone as female when they want to insult/pick on him. It's a shame.
I talked to CR and the tat artist hasn't come back from a trip. I've been wearing a small drawing of Frog on my inner wrist since last night, and I feel very comfortable with it. At times I even smile, because it's a tattoo (let's pretend) and because it's Frog. I feel I'm a tattoo person, and with the encouragement I got from Green Kiwis and the doubts planted in me by other people, I have reached the conclusion that I want one. Or two, or three. Phoenix bird on my back, Frog on my left wrist...I still have to find a place for Simeon, and maybe the words "vini, vidi, vinci". Oooohhh, and my cats, they have such lovely faces. Wait, and something about my family. Damn. Yeah, ok, let's start with one.
I checked Joseph's FB profile today. I'd thought of erasing him but, you know. His friends have increased, and people are leaving him messages, which means he checks it more often. Then I found him tagged by a friend on an album solely dedicated to his birthday. Yes, of course his wife is there. They're at some bar with a bunch of men, drinking and playing pool. There's a picture of his wife playing, and then one of him playing. That's the only one I like.
The heartbreaking side:
(1) I was never there when Joseph celebrated his birthday like that, it'd have made him very happy to have me, but I never went out.
(2) Mr and Mrs Smith look happy together.
(3) She looks cool playing pool, and she's drinking with the boys.
(4) I don't belong to Joseph's world.
(5) I feel like a failure and worthless, replaced by something that does a better job than I ever did...however, do you see a rational causal link between them playing pool and eating cake and me being a failure of a girlfriend? I don't see it, and yet I feel as if there was one. Wait...now not so much.
The nice side:
(1)I don't belong to Joseph's world; I see those pictures and I don't want to be there.
(2) She looks ordinary, not in the skanky way (I'm not into insulting women like that) but in the boring way*. Like I've seen many like her before. CR says this too, that one could seach the world and find many, many Carmens, whereas there's nobody like me. However, it could be that he says that because he has a crush on me.
(3) Though it hurt a lot, I didn't feel like crying.
(4) I'm...glad, I guess? I don't know. I feel slightly glad. For me, not for him or her.
* So what? she's better than me before Joseph's eyes.
Anyway...right now I'm talking to Art and I seem to have his full attention, so this is a good night. And yeah, good night!
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