Something to look forward to among the emptiness.
Sunday, 05/03/09 - 10:53 pm.

Saturday, May 9th, 2 pm. I'm getting inked. Twice: phoenix between my shoulder blades and Frog on my inner wrist. I will e-mail my family about this. I don't need their permission or their approval (though it'd be nice to have it) but I figured it's a very important decision and I'll stand by it and I will not hide it as if it was something wrong.

So this afternoon I went to the studio with CR. For the first time I saw him handsome: he had combed his hair back. But he was like that for he had just cremated a puppy he picked up from the street. She was very sick and on top of that, she fell from the 3rd floor (CR's apartment) and broke a lot of bones, including her jaw. This the vet that checked her let it pass, so CR couldn't figure why she wouldn't eat. I can't imagine the agony. But...at least CR provided her with the shelter, food and care for as much as possible. Moving on.

I greeted the guy and he lent me his portfolio while he went off and tattoo some girl. I loved his work. CR and I hung out at the studio for like three hours. The artist's 6-year-old daughter was there...both her parents are tattoo artists and it seems she'll follow in their footsteps. She did something on my hand, although I'm not sure what it was. For the most part, though, CR talked to her. She was really nice, but I'm not instantly attracted to children. Is she your girlfriend?, she asked to CR about me. No. I'd be so lucky, he replied. I know, I know. He never misses a chance to tell me how great/ gorgeous/whatever I am.

I saw the tat guy working on the girl's ankle, three beautiful dolphins going around it. I noticed the gloves and other health measures. When he was done, I talked to him about some concerns I had (forgot to ask about the donating blood issue, although I understand it's still reasonable to do it?) and about the designs. So it's settled. And I'm so happy. I'm ready.

On emotional news, I'm lonely. Two nights ago, I dreamed that Al asked me to be his girlfriend, but I refused because he was still hung up on his ex; plus, he did it while we were walking. It was strange. But this has nothing to do with me feeling lonely. I just remembered that dream. I like Al as a friend, which is great for me. However, I must admit he looks like Robert Pattinson sometimes, although you couldn't tell that in pictures. It's mostly the other way around, I think...you see this actor and you say, "OMFG, Al?". He's extremely handsome, quite a catch, but, to my joy, I do not feel romantically attracted to him anymore.

I was saying, lonely. Last night I dreamed that Art and I were making out. Heavily. It was amazing. Biologically, I'm in need of such thing. But I woke up, and I remembered about his bromance (ok, brotherhood) with his gang and I felt like I wasn't good enough to compete with that. This afternoon he texted me to let me know he was online in case I could chat. I was at the studio, so, no. Tonight he came online and told me his friend was still with him. And they were going out for dinner. And he went offline a few minutes after that, without further comment.

It makes me sad. I mean, I love him, but this isn't a relationship. I'm aware of that. I'm aware that, given the choices me or his gang, he'd choose his gang (they come with beer, too). And I mean, that's ok. It's ok in the sense that I don't have to be chosen. But it does hurt to feel not loved. Not loved the way I want to, may I add. He just came online, but I'll remain offline and go to bed. Truth is, in a nutshell, I don't feel good enough to be a priority in his life. How could I? We live countries apart, for starters.

And I shall go to work tomorrow, like I do every monday. This week is gonna be a little hell-ish, but at least this month I'll be getting a raise, now that my three-month trial has finished. And at least, I have saturday to look forward to. It's my only comfort. Otherwise, I feel empty...and I'm guessing I shouldn't, but I also can't find a reason not to feel like that.

prev / next