Monday, 05/11/09 - 10:32 pm.
Well...before our feature presentation, here's a couple of bullets:
+ I called Joseph's mom last night, for Mother's Day. She was really happy and said they (she and her husband) are very fond of me and always have me in their thoughts. I was fighting back tears while talking to her, indeed a wave of nostalgia hit me hard. I suppose she's talked about me with Joseph, because she knew I had a job with a decent income. She asked me not to forget her and be in touch, and let her know about my scholarship. She said I had something big coming in my life, she just knew.
+ I did nothing at work today. Also, my computer has a hard drive malfunction and when I turned it on this morning, everything was gone; 11 GB, documents that go as back as 2001 (I'd asked for a backup, but no one got to it). The tech guy found all the stuff deep in other folders (WTF) and then took it to his repair shop. But it's fucked up beyond repair, I'm telling you.
+ Scholarship interview tomorrow!!! Which is why I get to skip work in the morning and get up a little later.
And now, our feature presentation:
So I talked to Art again, about the whole relationship status joke that was hurting me. I told him pretty much everything that I wrote down last night. Of course, he stood his ground. He felt bad because he didn't mean to hurt anyone, but it was a joke to him.
On another corner of the screen, I had another conversation window, with Victor. "What do I do now?", I asked him, after he had kindly given me some pep talk a little while ago, about protecting my feelings and being true to myself and what I felt. "Well, this is where you make a choice".
We both had presented our points of view. I understand mine was more emotional, but it's what I felt. And without abandoning my feelings, I chose to stick around. He was very rational and very calm, and it was clear that he meant no harm. He even said he tried to keep the joke in a low profile, with little flirting ("flirting" per se there is not a lot, I admit). He was being honest. It was clear that he'd hate to step back on this because he wasn't doing anything wrong. And while I don't think my feelings were THAT irrational, I decided to let it go, to stop taking it seriously when nobody else was. And so I chose him.
Long story short, I mean.
I told him he wouldn't hear (well, read) about this anymore, starting right then. What, are you just gonna stop talking to me? And I remembered what Victor told me: don't stop talking to him; that'd be running away from a conflict that will remain there. So I replied to Art, no, I won't, unless you ask me to. And I promised myself to work on these issues: inferiority complex when it comes to other girls, possessivity when it comes to boys* and become aware of any possible negative sequels from my relationship with Joseph, especially the lack of trust.
* And perhaps Art was bringing out that in me. I didn't like that, I am not like that. I was never jealous with Joseph; he had my full trust, maybe in part due to some of his personallity variables. I'm afraid Joseph has set up a template** that won't apply to the boys that (hopefully) will come in the future. I must come to terms with that. Art is very different from Joseph, of course, i.e. he's way more affectionate with girls, verbally and physically; he's not a player or anything, just, say, very nice. So either I accept that or...I don't know, remain bitter and see things that most likely aren't even there.
** There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they�re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.
� Chuck Klosterman
Well, I wouldn't consider myself a total loser, and I think control is too strong a word. But yeah. I think there were some things about Joseph that are gonna be hard to match and yet I'll keep wishing for in other people. But anyway.
So I felt better after talking to Art. I didn't win anything from him, but I stood up for myself and my feelings. I still felt bad, but I wasn't aching incredibly. Like I told him, I needed to talk about it. Then we switched to a light conversation until I went to bed.
This morning I struggled to come to terms with the idea that Art doesn't like me anymore, romantically. After the drama I pulled, I can't imagine how anyone could find me attractive anymore. So it'll take a while, but I'll be ok. As I'm writing this, we've been talking for over two hours. Just having fun. That's all I'll get to have from him, for one reason or another, but it's still ok.
So I suppose we'll consider this chapter closed, huh? I'll miss him...well, the image of him as someone who had feelings for me. No more waving on webcam or getting text messages. The webcam, it's been over a week since we used it, maybe two. The texting, over four days. Those days are gone, my friends. I drove him away.
And yet, he's still here, talking to me. That's good enough.
prev / next