Tuesday, 05/12/09 - 8:56 pm.
In retrospective, it hasn't been a bad day. But after my scholarship interview and while getting bored out of my mind at a training workshop for work, I felt my day was a nightmare. But let's go in order, yes?
I got in the car with mom and dad, who would drop me off at the US Embassy for the interview, when Brother #3, who was around visiting (and taking away my car while his is in the shop), knocked on the window. Ooooh, I had mail. It was a postcard from G-K! I read it with a grin, it was so exciting (very nice handwriting, too!). It's a picture of school dorms, during the fall. And the hopeless romantic in me thought "maybe this is a sign"...you know, for the interview. And I put the postcard in my bag and took it with me for good luck.
Getting into the Embassy was relatively a breeze. I mean, that place is incredibly secured and stuff, but whenever I said the name of the scholarship, they'd let me in. Minus my cell phone, but whatever. When I was walking into the building, I ran into a friend from school, haha. I hope he makes it, he's really smart. Me, I hope I make it, but I didn't feel really smart.
Five people interviewed me in english. I had no trouble understanding, but their first question was what I was gonna do there in my spare time. Fuck. I had 20 minutes in the lobby to formulate possible questions, and answer them in my head, but I did not see that one coming. I said something about community outreach and attending plays, because I liked plays, and they asked what was the last one I saw. I cannot remember that, for the life of me, which probably says I don't like them that much. I do! I just don't go often, and I babbled something about not going since I got a job.
Then, I was just honest and I didn't fail too much at expressing myself, but I walked out of there (a fortress, I kid you not) very frustrated. I could've said so much more, and so much better. They asked me about what I planned on doing when I got back, about my siblings, about why my daytime job isn't related to psychology, about my first patient, my extracurricular activities (which in reality I have none)...I don't know, I don't feel I convinced them. They were very nice, but...I don't know. That's all I can say. I'm hopeful but scared.
Art sent me a text message in the morning, saying he hated waking up so early and good luck with my interview, though I didn't need it. It made me smile. Just yesterday I was so sad, because he had stopped doing that.
I suppose by now we talk a lot, but just as friends. I have caught myself checking his FB and the girl's FB, to see what they're saying to each other. I got slightly suspicious when it clicked in me that he had a status from days ago that said "thinking of the last 6 years" and hers said "I wish I could turn back time".
And I said to myself, OMFG, YOU'RE PSYCHO!!!! Because that doesn't prove anything. So I stopped myself, right there. And told me it was ok to be a cyberstalker if it rows my boat, but I should keep my emotional distance. Obviously, I wasn't planning on bringing any of this to Art, but just the fact that I was suffering was a signal that I was still clinging onto something I shouldn't.
So, since then, I can tell you I've been improving significantly. For starters, Art and the girl have spoken, but nothing terrible. I saw one "you're so cute, love" from her, but then it's just them commenting each others' pictures or writing ":D". And even if he tells her she looks cute in a certain picture, how's that strange? A lot of people do that. And you know what? I'm getting better at not taking it seriously. But yeah, I still feel a little uneasy about him not having feelings for me me freaking out on him to the point of perhaps driving him away. Ugh, never again.
Sooo...I think these days have brought a lot of struggles for me. I'm doing fine, though, enduring what comes my way: this never-ending thing with Art, my huge fear about not getting the scholarship, the tat talk with my family. The third one has faded away; the first one will continue so I have to stick to a friendship mantra; the second one, I have to forget about for a couple of weeks, until they contact me, or else I'll suffer indescribable anguish and regret.
You know what's sad, though? Once you take away all this slight anguish and frustration...I'm empty. I don't think I have anything to look forward to (aside from getting my tattoo!), or something to get me through the day. Art will come in august, but given the recent events, I'll probably see him just a couple of times or so. Well, he is still what I love to come home to, but I can't get much more than that. I feel empty, yes.
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