An entry from work about the things I can't shake off.
Wednesday, 05/20/09 - 3:19 pm.

Hi from work. It's been a quiet day, since my boss took to Geneva this morning and the other bosses are busy training new employees. I'll have a new neighbor, who looks like the guy who played Paul McCartney in "The Linda McCartney Story". Joy.

So, dear diary, my whereabouts these days? I've been calm. Two days ago I had a very nostalgic moment by thinking of Joseph. At times I just miss him, you know? Being with him, being in his house. I feel nostalgic and what you'd call "bad", but it's not a killer feeling and it's because I allow myself to feel that way. Most of the times, though, I don't think of him at all, or I just realize he's gone and my life is still pretty good, or truly believe I dodged a bullet. There are so many ways to see your first love, huh?

Regarding Art, I've been feeling pretty sad, too. Yesterday, as I predicted, there was no communication through the day, until the evening came and we chatted for a good while. He's very dry when saying goodbye. Just "goodbye!". Two days ago and yesterday, however, when I logged in at the office in the morning, I found an offline message, the icon of a kiss or a heart. Really sweet, and it made me smile, but it's just an illusion. This past week I've been going to bed with a knot in my throat and a heartache (in my heart).

I can't believe a couple of weeks ago I felt confident enough to ask him about his work schedule for the next day, we'd wave and kiss goodbye on our webcams, we were calling ourselves boyfriend-and-girlfriend-like names and we'd text nice stuff to each other. Then I got mad (and I still believe it was legit) and all that faded away. I'd understand if I made him feel uncomfortable with my reaction, I also felt uncomfortable with him doing what he did. I don't think speaking up for my feelings and saying it was not a funny joke was a mistake, but it did bring me these consequences. He just stopped caring the way he had cared for a couple of months (we kinda sorta fell in love on March 24th, I remember clearly). He kept his emotional distance and moved on. It hurts but I understand.

Still, we talk for a couple of hours every night. It made me happy that this morning he texted me wishing me a good day, which is something he hadn't done since I told him that I was hurt by his FB joke with that girl. I also found he commented on a drawing I made for a friend, and he said I was awesome. I remembered that line, "just because people don't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you at all". Wait, have I heard it or I just made it up? I mean, I'm sure I didn't invent it, but I don't really recall hearing or reading it anywhere. Anyway. This has to be my comfort, because obviously he's still very fond of me, if anything, as a friend.

My God, is it that I have such a huge ego? Because I think that's what's hurting the most about Art. And that's what hurts the most about Joseph: that they left me; that there was always another girl involved (in Art's case it was fictional, but perhaps that proves I'm still slightly damaged by Joseph getting married and stuff). I just feel romantically disposable, you know? I know a lot of people appreciate me deeply, I appreciate that, and I know I'm not a piece of crap. But romantically, I don't seem to be good material for anyone while reciprocating (because I know some guys like me, but I'm not attracted to them romantically either)....well, I'm not dead, so I can't say this as an absolute truth, only with a "so far". I'm not good material for anyone so far.

I want to have a relationship like the one I had with Joseph and yet I see that as impossible. A sense of security and comfort, with honest love, loyalty, fun, and sex whenever we wanted...is there anyone that I will click strongly enough with to build all this? AGAIN? Joseph could, he found someone. But then again, he's a guy; most boys in my life get tired of me and move on way too quickly for my ego to keep up with (on the other hand, I think I prefer that more than being the heartbreaker). And I hate to think that what I had with Joseph is what's shaping up my expectations for future relationships, should there be one or two. Indeed, I don't want to settle for anything less than peculiar. I hate that Joseph left me with all this beautiful burden and I did not leave anything that meaningful in him.

Well, that's enough drama for today. At least I get to walk home in less than two hours, after a day of cramps (my body is becoming so regular), and there are very few people in the office. It's the small stuff what counts, right? Thank God for the small stuff.

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