Sunday, 05/25/09 - 12:12 am.
I woke up this morning feeling complete, although a little sore. I love my tattoo. I'm in love with it. Anyway, I woke up earlier than I wanted because I went for breakfast with my parents. But it was cool, some quality Oadipus-triangle time.
But the reason I have come to write right now it's Joseph. He called me. Yes, on the phone. I heard his voice and I started crying. His voice is so warm. And I remembered how much I love him, and yet I couldn't show it, so for him, in retrospective, I was just a friend. But I guess I should start from the beggining.
I'd blocked him, right? I unblocked him yesterday. And he talked to me tonight. And he wanted to have a conversation and told me I was acting like we shouldn't be nothing, since we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. He was mad because I didn't tell him about the tattoo, and maybe it was even fake. "I thought you were my best friend", he said. I told him that wasn't my role anymore. I told him he was just pissed at me, but it wasn't easy for me talking to him as it was the other way around.
He told me he was going to leave me a lenghty message on FB (he's even a FB person now), saying something like this: congrats on the tat, you would have never gotten one when you were with me, you're doing great, you've grown so much and this is the last time we speak. Instead, he posted a note saying it took a lot of courage to get one, good for me, bye. For a while, when I said I wasn't his best friend anymore, he was going to severe our ties, because it was pointless to keep talking if we weren't anything. But I talked him out of it. It was a I'm-a-victim type of thing on his part, the eternal "you're better off without me". Yeah, like I've been WITH him this year, huh?
All evidence may point out at the fact that it's true what he says about being better off without him. It's not that, at least not entirely. Him leaving me forced me to grow, it got me out of my comfort zone. But truth is, it'd be awesome if he was with me, with me, to experience how I've changed.
After a tense chat, he called me. And I started to cry. That voice, that man that knows me like nobody else does. I can't be mad at him for what he did. Try as I might to blame him for all this pain, I can't. He's not a bad guy, and I've tried my hardest to stick to this; you know that, I've said it before. I insist how much he tried to make our breakup as less painful as possible, even though it didn't work that way for me. But we were having troubles long before his now wife showed up at his doorstep. And yes, it was so quick for me, him living with her and getting married and all, but...but I am aware it was him moving on.
So, anyway, the conversation was awesome. Catching up on our lives, talking about Fer, being honest when it came to talking about our past. Just, you know, "when we were dating, this happened"; "you couldn't stand me penetrating you but you endured a tattoo". Shit like that. It was fun. It was painful for me, because he's...he's Joseph. He congratulated me on the tattoo and couldn't believe there wasn't a guy for me in the horizon. I told him CR liked me, he reassured me so, and I told him there's a guy that just broke my heart (Art) and I that I liked Al (Joseph knows him) but he's too good for me. He replied I was above him, actually, but it'd be funny if he and I ended up together. I insisted, there's no chemistry.
He refers to his wife as "the girl", in an affectionate way. "The girl was down with a cold so I didn't enjoy the movie very much". He sent me a picture to show me how he dresses now, because he goes to fancy places and dances salsa. He didn't want me to see it, because he was "not alone" in it, but it's not like I haven't seen her before. He dresses slightly different, yes. And in that picture, she looks very, very pretty.
I'm happy he called, and hopefully there will be more calls in the future, but his call has left me crying non-stop. I can't stop. He said his wife is jealous of me. He called me because she wasn't home. She knows who I am; I happen to mean a lot to Joseph, perhaps more than I thought. And his mom talks about me like I'm female Jesus Christ, in front of her. I'm looking at his display picture, I see a happy marriage, and yet I just say, "please don't love her, please don't love her. Love me, love me again".
I know I haven't wished the best to Joseph. Deep down, it's just that ego thing, "I don't want you to be ok without me". Right? But pride aside, how could I not want him to be ok? Why should I not want him to? He's an awesome person, the template for all my relationships to come. I'm chained to his image, and when I told him this, he understood very well. I don't know if he suspects I'm still in love with him, or believes I am simply fond of him as he is of me. I have to remember again, "just because they don't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you at all". It's all I've got left.
God, I miss him so much. I want him back. I know it's not possible for a thousand reasons, but I'm so in love with him. Even with his barely tolerable grammar. I was telling him how awful it was, the week Fer was braindead. But it wasn't just his agony, it was the torture of knowing I could run into him at any time when I went to the hospital. He didn't go to the funeral because he didn't want to see me.
Ah, so what? He still married somebody else around that time, if not the same day Fer was buried. He still is in love with somebody else, because I was just more like a friend with benefits. And I'm still a friend; perhaps one of the best friends he's ever had, but a friend only. Not wife material for him, contrary to what he used to say. I couldn't show my love in a better way, but at least now I'm not damning myself for that. It's not my fault, I did the best I could.
How am I gonna get free from him? He was just a fortunate glitch in my otherwise comatose love life. How am I gonna find someone like him, better than him? Because I don't want anything different, anything different from peculiar, insane...anything different from different. He's just different to the whole world I have known so far. And I don't see myself finding anyone that will make me feel the same way, that I'll build with what I built with him. He's my phantom limb: he's gone, I'll never get him back but...I can't shake the feelings off.
I haven't stopped crying since he called almost three hours ago. I need to let it out before I go to bed because I need to sleep nicely. The only remedy to this is not think about this anymore, I guess. But his voice, I'd missed it so much. I miss him. And I was left with so many things to say over the phone.
And Art didn't even ask me how I was, and our whole conversation was about how rough work was for him. I said good night, he said good night. Other than congratulating me for my tattoo, he didn't ask me anything. But he's the least of my worries now.