Tuesday, 05/26/09 - 10:03 pm.
My thoughts and feelings are pretty much the same as yesterday, regarding Joseph. But less intense. I talked to him briefly today but he logged out in the middle of our comatose conversation. It reminded me to not get hung up on him again. I've allowed myself to imagine situations like seeing him or having a heatfelt conversation about all these painful months. But it's just in my head and I stop quickly. It's no use.
It hurts the most thinking about his wife. Yeah, I know, why would I think about his wife, right? I hate seeing someone in my place, doing a better job than I did. And I hate seeing, like now, how they're using matching nicknames ("my wife this", "my husband that"), or they talk to each other like that. I have a feeling they have a lot of friends in common to show off to. It'd be wise to delete them from my contact list, given they'll be always talking about their relationship and how much they love each other. I don't want to pass of as a masochist, but for some reason, I refuse to delete them. I can't bring myself to do it. But maybe, baby steps. Delete her first.
Seeing these things, I understand his call was just a moment of nostalgia on his part. I mean, I kinda knew that, in the back of my head. And say, it's not like he informed me that he was getting married, so why should I tell him about me getting a tattoo? He has no right to tell me some things. Today I was thinking that it'd be cool to be like the White Stripes, who once were husband and wife and remained good friends after the divorce, still making awesome music, and even one lending his backyard for the other to get married again there. Sounds funny, but I don't think I could achieve that with Joseph...you know, not me getting married in his backyard, just being good friends without any bitterness. I'm too hurt. And he doesn't really care if I'm hurt. It's so easy for him.
Like I said last night, it's back to struggling for me. To try to heal wounds that I thought were already healed. To walk away from this injustice, knowing the opposite is not coming for me. Would it be too much to ask for someone? Someone extraordinary, who will make me forget this. Forget that I'm replaceable, forget that I'm not good enough. I don't know. The person I wish for has some big shoes to fill in. But I believe he's out there. Just...it'll take time. Time, and a lot of pain.
Today, five years ago, my friend Ern was killed. So Art is extremely sad tonight and there's nothing I can say. He was thankful for the doodle I did of an angel, though. And no more. I don't even get a "how are you?" from him anymore. But I was talking about Ern. I have no words; I should say upset, pissed off, depressed.
It's a somber day today. I'm on the phone with that guy I met in the university, Maniac. He's crying over the phone because a friend died. And I just listen. Death seems to be around a lot lately (I just read the journal of somebody else, about a friend of hers that was murdered today). But never quite touching me.
And I have to forget about my pain, because there are far worse things in the world than what I'm going through. But I wonder, when will my pain matter? To someone? To someone who has caused me the pain. Never. It's hard, healing on your own.
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