Wednesday, 8/28/02 - 4:46 pm.
I just had the pleasure of breaking a mirror. On purpose. I lost my loyal piece of glass that had cut my skin several times. I lost it at school so I got the little mirror from which I got said piece and tossed it against the wall. It broke into tiny pieces, and it felt great. The tossing was very therapeutic.
I got many, many cuts at school today. I was terribly sad, still because of Denver. Things with him didn't improve (in fact, they got worse), but despite all my scars, I feel a bit better about this situation. I'm learning to live without him. Is not like I can't live without him, I don't believe in that shit. It's just that it was so much easier for me to live when he was in my life. But hey, shit happens.
Up to the present time, I'd never understood that thing of having friends making you feel better. I'd never had friends for times like this one. Until now. Cel has been punished and she's not allowed to get out of the classroom on recessess, so Art (of course) and I stayed with her today to keep her company. He and I went down to the cafeteria and bought a lot of stuff to eat with her in her classroom (room C). While I was in there, I knew Denv was around, next door (classroom, B), but I just enjoyed my time with the both of them. I gave her some artwork and she gave me a little piece of paper saying that I was her best, most special friend. And that statement made my day *tear*.
I cried again at school, just like yesterday, and maybe a little bit more. But I was just sad. Not depressed, not disappointed, not disillusioned...just sad. During lunch things picked up, I had lunch with Yaha and Patch, and since their friendship is based on insulting each other, I laughed a lot.
I was so calm I didn't cry when I arrived home, although in the morning I was sure I'd do it. I instead focused on getting a new cutting device, hence the broken mirror [by the way, in science class, we studied mirrors. It's good shit, really. I didn't understand the light beams part, but I liked the idea of the mirror as a virtual world].
I now only cry when he passes me by.
The bad part about all this is that I don't have the right to complain about his hurtful behavior toward me (maybe he doesn't even think I am hurt). I don't have the right to demand anything, he doesn't owe me an explanation. Of course I am hurt. Above my love for him, there's an injury I doubt I'll ever forgive, whether he meant it (I don't think so) or not. True, I don't have the right to demand him to make things turn into what they were a week ago, but he doesn't have the right to....fuck, he doesn't have any rights on me either, so I too owe no explanations.
Sometimes during the day I wondered why he was so affective and so nice and sweet and kind and loving to me, and the next day it was like I didn't exist for him. It's like he used me. He wasn't looking for sex, I know. He didn't act like The Guy, because he's not that way. A few people told me a few times that I was lucky for having one of the most valuable boys a girl could ever ask for. I know.
Sometimes, I still do miss him.
But I'm used to his absence now. I'm used to all the thoughts that haunt me and I'm used to this pain. Simeon says you have to accept your own pain, before you do anything about it. Only then you can either keep it or fight it.
We had only two contacts today, but it was more like a gap in time, like a flashback to past years, when we only were those less-than-friends that greeted because greeting it's social standard. First, we quickly touched hands (not a handshake but it served such purpose) and second, he stood in front of me and looked down on me when I was sitting alone on the floor, on one recess. But then he went away with Norman. Honestly, I wasn't thrilled neither disillusioned. I was more focused on making my hand bleed.
So now...I'm out of his life. But yesterday a song (by Sheryl Crow) came to my mind, a specific line...if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. Uh, ok. And an old saying came to my mind today: no one deserves your tears and who does deserve them will not make you cry. But I don't know. Sometimes old sayings are more like urban legends.
Going off-topic, I hope Aerosmith keeps the setlists like this and, if possible, improve them.
I'm getting ready to leave for Jones Beach in a couple of minutes...I got my 3rd row tickets and I just CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM TONIGHT!!!!!!
Well, you know that that's not true. But it certainly pumped up some adrenaline during the short seconds I typed that. Hi, sometimes I like to pretend.
You know what pisses me off the most about today? I forgot there were pancakes for breakfast. That's what happens when you have breakfast at 5:00 am and you're not really awake. My school bus picks me up at 6:15 am, there's really not a necessity for me to wake up so early. In fact, since I take a bath before I go to bed, I could wake up at 6:00 and be on time. But I am dumb, and I like to be ready at 5:30 so I can listen to Aerosmith until I leave. But also, that technique allows me to do homeworks I forget to do the day before.
Only 4 days to the premiere of Behind The Music: Aerosmith. My VCR is ready and I just CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT!!! Well, not really, because I don't know if that thing will ever make it here.
You see, when it comes to Aerosmith, it's like I live nine feet under ground. And in case you didn't know it, the hottest day of the year is felt nine feet under ground with a 67 days delay, and the coldest day, 180.