Wednesday, 05/27/09 - 8:59 pm.
I suppose if I had someone nice to think about, I wouldn't be in so much pain. I mean, the only people I have to think of lately are the ones that have hurt me. Two people, you know them. Tonight I talked to Joseph and he asked about the guy that kinda sorta broke my heart -Art-, and if I was still dying for him. I'm not dying for him, I explained, "it's just that it's not the best way to end a relationship, being overlapped by another girl". Sounds like you are talking about me, he said. THANK YOU for acknowledging that. I should have been much more cynical in my response to that, though.
I just logged on and Mrs Smith was online, with a nickname that called for Joseph. I know about that, CR has told me about it, adding: you would never do that, would you? No. Not like that. And she just sent me a message: "hi, delicious love, I want you, I drip for you, fuck me", while changing her nickname to "pus face". This is actually something I don't quite care for. There was nothing to say in reply to that. And anyway, it's not her I care about. It's not her who hurt me, essentially. I think of her because she's my replacement, an improvement over me, and she's inevitably attached to Joseph.
I suppose I should talk to him and severe the ties, huh? It's kinda neat that we get to talk (it's a whole lot more than I can say about Art) but I'm still deeply wounded. The entirety of my self understands very well why we're not together and agrees with the reasons; but it's still a void that hurts very much. I don't know...I suppose I'd like to still be visible. It's kinda cool that I ruin her life for a couple of seconds if she's jealous of me. But is it worth it? Is it worth the pain? We're friends, but that often means hearing about their details on marriage. That's just revolting for me.
I'll give it some thought. I already lost him, anyway. Perhaps I'm scared of severing our ties not only because I don't want to be forgotten, but also because he has a huge chunk of me that nobody else will ever have.
My back itches. And work has been incredibly slow and definitely sweet. I am enjoying these days, with my boss in Geneva and the rest of the people busy with workshops out in the field. Nobody bothers me.
But at the same time, it allows my mind to wander. And who else would I occupy my mind with? Joseph hurts me, Art hurts me (how he stopped being caring with me ever since the "joke"). Al is a nice friend, and when I see pictures of him and his girlfriend, I grin and genuinely wish him the best and I'm sure his world is not a place I'd fit in.
See, I don't really have anything to fantasize with, so I'm always facing reality. And while my life isn't bad at all, my internal life is full of bruises.
And what am I doing to deal with all this hurt? I'm writing a book.
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