Sunday, 05/31/09 - 10:39 pm.
It's done. Joseph started a conversation last night; I sent him the screen cap of the message his wife sent me and I told him most of the things I'd planned to say. He started typing something but I blocked him right away.
The whole evening I just wanted to throw up. I even felt like I was setting him up, like it was a trap: "poor thing has no idea what I'm about to do". It broke my heart. But I was determined. I'd talked to my friend Angel, who gets extra brownie points for being so very supportive, and that made me less anxious. I was talking to Art while I did it, also, and while he was less warm, he was also rooting for me.
I felt sad. And liberated. I'd kicked myself out of his life, or maybe I'd kicked him out of mine, and that hurt...but I wouldn't have to put up with the anguish anymore. Earlier in the day I'd blocked and deleted his wife and I felt so good. I woke up this morning in peace with my decision. I woke up calm. That's priceless.
Of course I'm afraid I didn't say enough to him. Or that he will misunderstand the things I said. I'm not hurt because of his act of breaking up with me. It was painful, but that alone, I could've overcome it relatively fast. But to realize she was already living with him the day I graduated and he broke up with me, to remember witnessing his love story, to endure seeing them together, to receive his complaints about me on things he did or didn't do himself...I remember all the pain I've gone through and I know I've made the right choice by cutting him off. Otherwise, the pain would continue. It'd be nice to go out with him the way I go out with CR, but it's not possible; because I love him, and because I never had time to digest what was going on. It was like someone shoved a bite so big in my mouth that I couldn't chew it and so I spit it. It was too big of a deal and I rejected it. I accept he's living his life as he thinks fit, but I can't...I can't stay and see that. Not when I've been replaced like that.
I was supposed to go to Al's house today to play Starfox 64 with him and CR. I met up with CR and he said we'd wait for Al's call. He had confirmed but then he was invited to a family lunch and he said he'd try to sneak out early. I inmediately erased all my expectations. It's typical of Al, and long story short, we didn't hear from him the whole afternoon.
However, that was an opportunity for CR and I to catch up on each other's life, over a milkshake. He'd had a rough week with lots of conflicts, too, especially concerning his lady friend (never calls them girlfriends). They pretty much broke up, over things about CR that annoyed her. CR is very non-judgemental, so he was hurt by being judged over who he is.
I told him about my horrible Joseph week. He praised me for my decision of cutting off comunication with him, validated my feelings, and is sure of two facts: (1) Joseph still has feelings for me; (2) they'll be getting divorced eventually.
He considered Mrs Smith's message to me ("I drip for you, fuck meeee") very offensive, and not just for me; for Joseph, too. It's sad that someone expresses herself in that way. He insists she's a child, and you can't have a girl where you're supposed to have a woman. Every time we talk about their marriage, CR is less optimistic. Like their honeymoon is coming to an end and that you really have no idea what a real marriage is unless you're living on your own (and not under your parents' roof). "Give them three more months and you'll know what's good". Well, I won't know, because I won't be there.
Why do you think he called you? Why do you think he continues complaining about things that went on in your relationship? He says I'm not the type of person that can be forgotten, and he can't just put me in a box and shove me to the back of a drawer. The human mind, he said, doesn't work like that. Especially after all he and I went through. And my ghost is still there, he assures me. I'm a skeleton in his closet. I've left a void in that home, for him, for his parents, and in a way, I'll be present for a long while. They still talk about me. Mrs Smith curses me, CR has heard her.
It's very comforting, talking to CR about this. He tells me constantly how gorgeous, smart, irreplaceable I am. And he makes it sounds like Joseph thinks so, too. Mrs Smith has nothing on me. And basically, Joseph has made a mistake. It's just a matter of time.
I don't know why...well, I do know...suddenly I'm hopeful that he and I will get back together someday. It's just a fantasy, though. CR says, as he once told me, that if I really, really want a second match with him, I'll have it. I'm in love with him, yes, but it's a very selfless thing. I don't *need* him to be with me anymore. I just have very strong feelings for him, while accepting he and I will lead different lives, away from each other. I guess it'd be easier to recover if I had someone myself. A Jack White type of man would be ok, thank you. But I know the special ones take their time to come along. Joseph took his time to show up in my life. While I'm in love with Joseph, I'd like to have the chance to find someone new. Although it's inevitable that I'll search for traits Joseph has.
So, um...it's really over now. Not forever -I hope-, but it certainly will be a long, long time before/if he and I talk again. I don't know how he reacted. If he got mad at me. I haven't seen him online so chances are, he blocked me too.
It hasn't been THAT hard, because I've been through worst with him. This was just pulling the plug, after so much agony. A relief. I'm in love with him, even though I think over some stuff and realize he's probably not convenient for me. CR will get together with him on tuesday. He always asks about you, you know?. I don't doubt he cares about me. I don't doubt I was special for him. But how would you feel if your spouse addressed his/her ex before you as "best friend"? Mrs Smith has been pure shit with me (when she was nice, I've learned, she was being hypocrytical), but still, I respect her position as Joseph's wife.
There's no home for me in him anymore. But all this time, thinking he is my phantom limb...he is, but it turns out, I'm also a ghost. His ghost.
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