Monday, Jun. 01, 2009 - 11:16 pm.
I went to the movies by myself this afternoon. It's been a historical day, being the inauguration of the first leftist government ever. I'm hopeful but realistic, if it makes sense. But yeah, I'm glad, too.
So, I went to see Rudo y Cursi. I'd been dying to see it, but nobody was ever available and since it's not that much of a commercial film, there are just two screenings in the evening everyday. I asked six people today, and everybody had something else to do. I could've taken CR but that always means paying for him (since this crisis is hitting him hard), and no, thanks. So what the hell, I went by myself. I love that, anyway. The movie, it was just awesome. Awesome.
Now that I've taken the much needed psychological distance from Joseph, I feel relieved and I feel now I can give it a shot at healing. I was thinking that maybe CR exaggerated yesterday about me being such a strong ghost in Joseph's life now. Sure, he knows Joseph like the palm of his hand (although we could question this since he doesn't understand him getting married), but he also likes me, so it could be that he's thinking very highly of me. If I think about it, I don't see why I'd be brought up in Mr and Mrs Smith's relationship. Joseph will think of me now and then, I suppose, but that's about it. I'm sure he's smart enough to keep it to himself. And nothing will happen, nothing more than what I expect: I'll be forgotten. Perhaps quicker than I'd like to be.
Today I saw his FB pictures. Seeing them made me remember what a piece of crap I felt the first time I saw them, when I was discovering his relationship with Mrs Smith. But now I feel different. I am ok. I can look at them and not feel bad (just remember I felt bad before). I even feel good not being there, I'm sure I've said this before. I don't need to be in her place. And as CR says, old lady, you're not missing out on anything. Today on my way to the movie theater, I wondered if I was only in love with my image of Joseph. With the best parts of him. I don't know. I suppose I'd know if I saw him and talked to him...and frankly, I'd rather not.
But I don't dwell on this too much. I do think of him but it's not a problem for me. It doesn't hurt like it used to, and I know that in time, I'll think less and less of him and her. Tomorrow my boss gets back to work so there'll be plenty of things to do. Wait...ugh, that's not entirely good news either. Anyway.
With Joseph out of my way, I've dedicated time to my issues with Art. I've discovered that the part of the "joke" that hurt the most was that *I* felt like a joke. I mean, hey, if he's treating this girl the way he used to treat me, wasn't he playing around with me too? And being overlapped, as well, because the moment he started joking with her, he stopped being caring with me. I think maybe in the end it freaked him out that I was going to go visit him, for example. That's a huge, serious, relationship-ish thing to do. Perhaps he was playing around and found out I was serious. Maybe, hopefully, one day I'll get to talk to him about this.
Yesterday his nickname was directed to the girl he jokes with, that she was the most wonderful woman in the world and he was in love with her. I thought of asking him if the joke had become truth, but suddenly I just *knew* he wasn't serious. Still, my nickname was White Stripes lyrics, you got a reaction, didn't you? (in reference to his comment, "we [him and her] just want to see reactions from people"). Before I logged out, I saw that he'd changed his nickname to "You're supposed to laugh at jokes!". And yet, we never spoke directly about this. Nothing was said on this subject, by the time we had a long conversation last night.
In fact, it was very strange. We were talking about the lame Batman and Robin from the 60's and it just took that I mentioned the word "sidekick" for him to pour out his feelings, an outpour that continues to this very moment (of course it hasn't been 24 hours of talking...we've touched the subject last night and tonight). He put the word sidekick in his nickname and on his FB status. And suddenly, he was a sidekick.
Digging deeper, it has to do with his best friend, who once broke his trust. His best friend is the typical guy that gets all the attention, while the other one is indeed just a sidekick. To this day, it still hurts him a lot. I was encouraging him to talk to him again about this (the first time wasn't enough) but he's scared of what might happen.
In a way, it's pretty much what he did to me, although much less intense in my case. But he used the same words I'd use to describe it: he didn't think of my feelings when he did that. I smirked, and I made some comments that I was hoping he'd pick up, but I suppose he's too busy in his own pain to notice. BUT, he did call me "love" when he was thanking me for some words I's said. "It's very useful, love". No, I didn't giggle like a schoolgirl. My feeling-funny nerve has gone to sleep again.
(I just remembered when a nerve in my mouth died in december, it's been of the worst pains in my life; you'd think that if a nerve dies, you don't feel anything. It was TORTURE. And since then, I said my feeling-funny nerve had died; Al brought it to life, even though nothing happened...I have to thank him for that; and then Art made it work, too, even though it was just dissapointment in the end).
He just went silent and I'm afraid I should go to bed. At least this is gonna be a four-day week, yay! I have very few things to look forward to, so I just try to get amused by the smallest things.
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