Tuesday, 06/ 02/09 - 9:08 pm.
Just passing by to say hi, sweetheart, thanks for everything...see you soon. I don't know, man...I thought I deserved those words. After talking to Art last night about his "I'm a sidekick for life" trauma, I thought I'd deserve something like that. No. He leaves the message for the girl he "jokes" with. So I guess he had better, wiser people to talk to, while I was trying to find the right words to say to him. He goes silent in the middle of our conversation, and that's all the goodbye I get.
Seriously. Why do I keep bumping into things that hurt me to the point of making me cry? Why can't this stupid asshole see he's doing the same thing he whines about? "He just went on and did it, he didn't care about my feelings"? Well, did YOU care about MY feelings when you decided to start flirting publicly with this girl, after you'd acted all boyfriend-like with me for two months? Well, at least the girl after me KNEW he was joking. I trusted that the way he was acting and feeling for me was the truth.
I just hope I won't see him when he comes in august. I'll try to avoid him, although by the looks of this, it won't be necessary; he probably won't even look for me. Meanwhile, I have to stick to the same things I told him yesterday: sometimes you don't get the justice you deserve after getting hurt. You just don't. People hurt you and they go on with their lives feeling that what they did it's no big deal and you'll just get over it.
I don't like this pattern. One day I'm fine, the next one there's something to cry about. I try my best, but there's always something in the way that makes me break down. All I have right now is a fine chocolate bar that my boss brought me from Geneva, and I'm almost done with it but even the taste was ruined by all this. I saved a part of it as comfort food, but I feel so fucked up that even my comfort food has turned bitter.
This feels like being backstabbed. I don't even want to be Art's friend anymore. As it's happened with Joseph, he's living his life, but that just revolts me, because at some point in his "living life" process, he ran over me and didn't care about my feelings. It's not about having a romantic relationship or not with him, I could've endured that things between him and I faded away; we were in different countries, anyway. But why is there always another girl involved? I don't care that he was joking, I don't care that he's not really in love with her. I care because he switched his attention from me to her, like I was a nobody, overnight. Like...like the punchline with me was over. Like I was joke, too. And yes, it's just me, it's just a hurt ego. Again. It's always my hurt ego. Well, can you blame? After what I've done and endured lately, CAN YOU FUCKING BLAME ME?
God. I'm so tired of getting hurt, when I've done my best to cause no harm and I've been there for him. Kicking him out of my life, like I did with Joseph, sounds so tempting right now. No more, please. No more.
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