I'm not a toy. I'm not a joke.
Wednesday, 06/03/09 - 11:57 pm.

Ok, so I'm doing my best to run away from the source of anguish. I blocked Art, I hide his and her newsfeed. But then I come home to find out, as a "highlight", that now "it's complicated" with the girl, and I see all their and other people's comments on it. I don't care what happens between them, I don't care to what extent it's true. It still fucking sucks and it hurts. I wanted to throw up and I wanted to choke Art against a wall until he turned blue, while telling him what an idiot he is for taking me as a joke.

I wrote to my friend Angel in tears: do I block him, do I tell him how I feel? He wrote back: if you tell him, it's drama. If you don't tell him, it's drama. Come online. Thoughts on having male best friends, later in the entry. But let's see, he said Art shouldn't have the power to hurt me. But he has it, or had it, because I let my feelings exposed and he betrayed my trust. I trusted he loved me. I trusted he wouldn't trade me overnight. In fact, that didn't even occur to me. He also said the following, and I'm posting it to pay tribute to the cognitive-behaviorist paradigm:

1) don't ever say you're not worth it, or that you won't find anyone, or that boys aren't attracted to you, or anything like that. it bothers me
2) you deserve better than what you've been getting lately. getting hung up on it won't help you at all.
3) you have the choice to stop this, by not giving these ppl power to hurt you. choose not to let them hurt you.
4)*Basically, I'm hot*
5) stop the pity party already, and move on. it's okay to look back, and see what went wrong, and whatever, but move forward.

So, after a long and often funny conversation with Angel to discuss my feelings, I have chosen to delete Art from my FB. I suppose he'll think I'm overreacting, if/when he finds out. I'll be the irrational villain and he'll be the poor guy who was just having fun with a joke. But the thing is, I exposed my feelings; I let myself be vulnerable for him. I was being honest, when he was just playing with me. I was not a big deal, and he'll always justify what he did. I'm not comfortable around someone who behaves like that. He's stepping over someone feelings, the way he complains his feelings were stepped over. He'll say this was different, because we weren't an item, but guess what? I had feelings for him and he didn't think that was important. Now, if you don't care to reciprocate, fine. But have some respect for those who love you, man.

Tonight I went out with my friend Victor (not Victor from my university gang, another Victor). It was a spur-of-the-moment thing; he picked me up and we went to BK, one that is near my house. And this is where I talk about my male best friends. Victor, Angel and CR are responsible for my trust in men. At this stage in my life, my trust has fallen to pieces thanks to The Guy, D, Joseph, Art and, yes, all the world around me; the experiencies and the stories. But these three boys are a safety net, a smart, honest, practical and respectful male point of view. I'm really thankful for having them in my life.

So Victor has his own issues. Both of us are psychologists, but hey, even doctors get sick. He and I are particularly sensitive to some things, due to our growth as psychologists and our personality traits in general, so we're very vulnerable, in a way. But we also understand our situations better. Explaining these things doesn't reduce the pain but it gives us control over what we're going to do next. I told Victor about the aftermath with Joseph and my current struggle with Art. He told me about his own romantic debacles. And about Art, he said, I should do whatever brings me the chance the heal. He's not a big friend of his (they share a background) but he finds it way too exhibitionist.

And then, um, things on my circle of friends are getting better. My friend Michelle is coming on June 12th (Art's birthday, and I will not congratulate him), to visit from Sweden. And I've talked to my friend Angie on Skype these two nights...this is wonderful. I am scared, though, that she's getting married. She's dated her man for a couple of months, and while he's a blast, as far as I can see, I've learned from Joseph that you do not marry on your honeymoon. That's my only worry.

And so, um...I'll think over this Art thing. I'll write about it tomorrow, when I'm a little clearer. I feel so small, like my arguments don't matter. I know I matter, and I know this was a huge betrayal of trust. It may not seem like it to him, because it was a game. You do not play with people and their feelings. I was not joking. Even though I doubted we'd amount to anything, I thought he was taking me serious like I was.

By the way, a guy asked me out for coffee. I don't like him but I said yes, because I couldn't find a way to say no. I think I talked about him once here? He's the guy from a bank that came a couple of times to my office, and then I saw him at a concert. Ugh. Nobody had ever asked me out like that, so it's a little "yay" moment. But also, I'm not really looking forward to it.

These days are hard.

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