Sunday, 06/14/09 - 9:34 pm.
This afternoon, as custommary, I went out with CR. We were supposed to meet up with Al but he was busy with his girlfriend and, as custommary, he ended up standing us up. Shame. I'd bought him a chocolate bar. CR and I promptly ate it when we learned he wouldn't show up.
CR had something to tell me: he saw Joseph and he was a little bitchy, about me now doing things I never did with him, like having a drink or going out. And he told me this, also, and even said I could let you know: he's sore that you never bought him anything above $25. I laughed at how ridiculous such concern is. It's true. So? That means I never loved him? He wants me to say I'm sorry, to feel bad about that? So his wife now buys him expensive action figures and other neat stuff. Yay. Over and over, CR repeats, and I'm aware (though it's painful), that they're perfect for each other. Joseph wanted someone like him.
CR was amazed by him being "such a girl", putting a price to everything, although Joseph himself always said he was the girl in our relationship. CR says Joseph expected me to laugh at the $25 statement. I did. I do. But then our conversation got a little more somber.
I think that both Joseph and I have a will to be friends. There's a strong bond that remains, even if we fell out of love with each other. But we both have our egoes severely bruised. And as for me, there are three especific things that won't let me be his friend: feeling that I failed him, feeling replaced (a consequence of failing him) and being in love with him. I cry when CR reminds me that for Joseph I ended up being "just a friend". A beloved friend, but a friend nonetheless.
It hurts to know that I was not the right person for Joseph. That's what it comes down to. And maybe he was not the right person for me, either. I see all the arguments why I'll never, ever get back together with him, but then, why am I still in love with him? I already said this, and I told CR: I am envisioning my life living like this. Always hoping to have him back as a boyfriend but knowing it's for the best that such thing won't happen.
We talked a lot about him, CR and I. We were at a convenience store in a gas station; he bought a beer, I bought chocolate milk. I cried because our conversation stirred a lot of things in me, things I've decided not to think about in my everday life. I'd like to talk about it, but it's a lot, and most things have been mentioned here, one way or another. I feel bad because I let him down. A less painful way to put it is that we were seeing things in a very different way.
I'm at disadvantage here. He is my first love; I'm not his first love. He found a new drug; he used to say I was his drug, but I'm the one who ended up with abstinence syndrome. He's the one who made all these promises and I ended up keeping them. I'm the loser, even though this was not a race. He's living his "adventure", his awesome love story, with someone who is like him. CR says most guys are not looking for a girlfriend but for a mom: you pamper them, kiss them all over, call them sweet names...but also you scold them, you yell at them. Joseph wanted someone who was driven by emotions. I'm a very emotive person but I appear to be very cold, and indeed I'm very rational. Certainly, I never gave him a pet name and we never yelled at each other. Some people, CR said, like to soak in their romantic relationships, experience them to the max, including the suffering. A lot of passion, basically. I wasn't passionate.
And you know, I don't think I ever said this: I was dumped. I know it's pretty obvious, but I never really used this word to include everything I've said in all the months that have gone by since october. Plainly and simply, I was dumped.
CR says I have a wonderful person waiting for me. I hope he knows I'm waiting for him, too.
God, how I hope that Joseph and I will become good friends one day. He sees me as a friend already. I can't. I have feelings for him and I'm still so, so hurt by all this. And there's his wife, too, I know she wouldn't like that we spoke to each other. They solved their problems and all is well in Mr-and-Mrs-Smith Land. I'll be clear, and I'm sorry: I hope they get divorced one day. This is the same as me saying I've been dumped. It's obvious, but I still needed to verbalize it. And I shouldn't, I should wish him, and her, the best. He's a good man, after all. He was very good to me, and I'll never thank him enough for the effect he had in my life (which is another reason why I feel like crap: I didn't have an effect on his life half as strong as his in my life).
I guess...I should keep giving this healing some more time. Tomorrow I'll get back to work and try to forget about him. I also understand that this nearly desperate wishful thinking of seeing him comes from my abstinence syndrome.
On a happier note, a dude from my university just called me to my cell phone, to congratulate me for Simeon's site. We spoke for over 8 minutes. I was never his instructor, we used to talk briefly several times at the cubicle, and I know he was very smart. I'm so, so flattered.
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