Anguish over the bad news.
Monday, 06/22/09 - 10:12 pm.

It's been a rough day. I've found out that I pretty much didn't get the scholarship ("I still can't tell you 'no' because we're still choosing the substitutes", oh, wow) and my niece was finally caught doing drugs with a 30 year-old. That and my baby nephew going to the ER for a fever last night, have left a somber mood in my house today.

Work was ok. Hanging on to it, reminding myself I am quite lucky to have it. Afterwards I met with a bunch of nice bloggers and I felt a little dumb, because they're really smart. Afterwards, I met up with W. I went to his house, I met his mom, such a sweet lady. She made us dinner while he and I talked about my scholarship fail, work, movie and books.

Before going to his house, we had stopped by a student's house (I was once her instructor) to get a few books I needed. We ended up listening to this student's sister, about her depressive anxiety and how after two years, her dose has increased. She may end up at our clinic, she seemed eager to find a way out, other than taking pills that have her drowsy the whole time.

See, the clinic we were working at, that belonged to F&F, my thesis mates, went broke. They're neck deep in debt so the house is now for rent. W, his nine patients, my three patients and I ended up with no place to go. We have associated with yet another student (she came to my house yesterday) and tomorrow we're signing the lease for a nice office. It's really far away, though. I hope it won't cause much trouble for my patients. I'm kinda looking forward to it. It's a place of our own. I dream of one day having an institute here. Nevermind the name, but it will be an institute. One day.

Today I saw Joseph's nickname and I wondered why this guilt doesn't ever go away. I love him very much, but the real problem is that I feel guilty. I read how his wife is his life and he's crazy in love with her and I feel guilty. Is there a rational chain of causality between their happiness and my guilt? I don't see any. Wait, maybe..."hey, they're happy because I failed in the relationship". Meh. I still feel like I failed him.

I'll get to bed early. It's so hard for me to get up in the morning.

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