Just the last hurtful pieces of him.
Friday, 08/30/02 - 6:13 pm.

We did the empathy excercise again, but this time I chose Vic as a partner.

Um, hi.

I chose him as a partner and he was the one who talked the most. But that's ok. Obviously, he's very sad about the relationship with his father, which is practically unexistant (when it's not negative). I thought he was going to cry about his frustration, but he just...insulted him and kept talking about it. I feel sorry for him, he's a good boy (most of the times).

Ok...and you?. He stopped talking suddenly. I smiled and tried not to look at him, but he's got this smile that makes you open up. Well, I...I, um...I am brokenahearted.... I told him the story about Denver in a minute. I knew it! I just knew it! All those bites on you weren't normal. I sort of explained him and he hugged me.

My day, while it wasn't the best one, it was ok. Cel was finally allowed to get out of the classroom, so she, Art and I went to the cafeteria, bought snacks and went to see the soccer match. It'd been about two weeks since I stopped going. It was very funny.

Roberto said he needed to talk me on the first recess. He said he was worried about me, because of my self-mutilation. I told him it was nothing to worry about, it was not like I was going to commit suicide. He asked me why I was doing it and I came up with a lot of reasons, some that I'd told here already, but in the inside, I really didn't know exactly why. But look at your arm! All this...where does this come from?!?!. I looked at my arms. I do look like a real self-mutilator. He was trying to make me stop doing it. When I got home, I e-mailed him thanking him and promising I wouldn't mutilate myself this weekend. I do think that for the time being, I have enough scars.

Speaking of pain, I did give Denver the game (Revolution X) back. It was when I was walking around and talking to Roberto. I saw him in the cafeteria, I just approached and said thank you (I was carrying the game). He asked something about it, I replied something about it and then I left, because he obviously didn't care about me being there.

On dismissal we ran into each other while I was being asked to help take down a billboard. He Grrr'ed at me and then he started taking it down. No one could reach it though, so I went into the closest classroom (C) and took out a desk so he'd stand on it. What a pragmatic lady, he said. He took the billboard down, put his backpack back on and walked away. I know that under normal circumstances (meaning he didn't ignore me) he'd have helped me to take the desk back in, or at least would have said goodbye.

On social studies, Art, me and other kids were working outside of the classroom. I was leaning my head on Art's shoulder and playing with a Stitch doll when the B-roomers started coming out of their classroom. Oh, shit, he's going to walk by. I looked down, but on my eyes' way to the floor, I saw him...and I saw some arms around him. I kept looking at Stitch. Art whispered: He was looking at you. I smiled ironically: yeah, a lot of people does look at me. I kept moving Stitch's arms. No, I mean...he looked at you...like this. Then he made a weird expression with his face, his eyes specially, something like damntheresheis (*shakes head*) NOIdon'thavetolook. For half a second, I thought there was hope...But then, I thought of how he acts when I'm around. And my heart broke again in desbelief. That's impossible.

While I was writing this entry I was watching Doogie Howser M.D. on TV. That show was fun. I didn't remember he had a diary in his computer. I guess that's the primitive version of the online diaries. He typed Integrity is hell. Aw, I miss my childhood.

I passed math. I love my math teacher. My average was 5.4 this month. If I had gotten 5.5 that'd have made it 6. But no, it was a frustrating 5.4. It seems he had mercy on me and gave me 0.1 just like that. Hey, I work hard and he knows that.

I was with Veronica this afternoon, and she asked me if Denver and I had had a fight or something. No, his fever just passed, I replied. Does this affect you? You were starting to love him, weren't you?. I said yes, but those things always happen to me, I'm used to relationships fading away (and the voices in my head were: yeah, and we're also refering to you, Veronica). I tried to look cool about it. I didn't cry today. I felt like, but I didn't.

I should get to study. Next week is hell, as I'm having my period exams. One period is two months and something, and that's a lot of material to study. I'm guessing the little communication I'm having with Denver (last night we talked online for about 5 minutes, about math) will just fade away. And then it's...nothingness. After this upcmoning week, we'll never talk again....oh, well, not that that'll make a big difference, comparing to the present.

But I still love him. And I miss him deeply.

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