I can't shake this ghost (and a ghost I'd like to have back).
Saturday, 06/27/09 - 2:30 pm.

A while ago, I received a call from Victoria. Her mom invited my parents and me for dinner tonight, because her sister is an old friend of my parents. I'd asked Victoria if she wanted to go out for coffee in the afternoon, before the evening get-together and she said she wasn't available.

So she calls me, agitated. "Joseph is in front of my house!!!". Ah, crap. He's sitting on the sidewalk, next to his car. His wife is inside her parents' house. They're Victoria's neighbors. And I laugh and I feel revolted and I try to forget about that while I watch Grey's Anatomy with my mom.

And afterwards, I'm here, bawling like I bawled in november, december, january. It's frustrating. It's so fucking frustrating, man. It took me months to decide to take distance from him and when I do, his ghost just seems to be following me. Ugh, he's as bad as a tumor-induced hallucination.

For the love of God, my exboyfriend's wife is the neighbor of one of my best friends. Victoria didn't know, and just days after she finds out, she's ran into Mrs Smith at a bus stop (and Mrs Smith ignored her) and now this. I don't think they'll be parked there for eternity, but just in case, I'll call her before I leave my house to go to hers tonight.

Last night I went to see Transformers 2 with Brother #3, Sister and her son. It was awesome, not so much the movie as being around them. On my way back, I kept thinking of all the things I never did with Joseph. I told myself that one day, God wiling (yeah, I'm religious now), I'll get to do those things with a better guy, and this guy will be lucky to have found me after I've gained all this experience. It made me feel better, but for the present, I know it's just a consolation.

I'll try to go get something good out of this time of emotional vertigo.

PS: for the first time since she passed away in august, I dreamed of Frog. She was running to me, as excited as she always was when she saw me. I don't remember much, but we were both happy to see each other and I just rubbed her head. When I woke up, I remembered that she would have turned 13 years old today. Happy birthday, Froggie :( I miss you.

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