Wednesday, 07/01/09 - 10:31 pm.
Happy news first: today I started seeing my patients at the new clinic. It's a 30-minute-drive to get there (20 minus traffic), but it's a nice place. Our little office is above a drugstore, in front of a, say, art house (music and painting lessons). The entrance is just a little door, you couldn't tell inside there are rooms, offices with dentists, pediatricians and now, psychologists. Yay. It's a little scary for me, though, because I work at night and the place is a tad big and entirely empty. But the drugstore below is comforting.
I've been sad all day. At work, I realized it was because I had Joseph at the back of my mind. I wasn't *thinking* of him, not actively, but in a way, I had him present. I was deeply melancholic, even on the verge of tears. What he did still hurts me.
And I've been thinking, he's mad because I "drink" (barely), and I didn't do it when I was with him. Well, he never learned to drive when he was with me, and I even gave him $50 to start paying for classes. I'm not upset about that. For some reason, I have no trouble understanding that you're bound to do stuff with your new significant other, that you didn't do with the previous one.
A while ago I remembered he kept the lighter he gave me for christmas...or was it for a birthday? A lighter with "The Beatles" written all over it. I gave it to him to fill it and I'm pretty sure he never gave it back. My automatic thought was that one day he'll find it in a drawer and will think of me and feel bad for hurting me like he did. But I tend to think his wife found it and threw it away or something. And you know, it's not like he feels guilt about hurting me. All he can think about is that now I drink (I don't) and that I never got him anything that cost more than $20.
There's no justice, man. Not with Joseph. Certainly not with Art. Sometimes I miss him, my friend, but I really don't feel like unblocking him because things would go on like he never did anything, without an apology. Or we'd have an awkward conversation in which he'd try to convince me I was wrong and irrational for getting mad at his "joke".
Speaking of lack of justice, my niece hopped on a plane today, to be locked up in a boarding school. My parents called Brother #1 today to see how everything was going, and he said my niece called him "son of a bitch", something unheard of in my family (we curse, but never to each other). When my dad told me that, I felt like jumping on that piece of human crap and beating the bitch out of her with my own fists. I thought I'd love to kill her. Really, leave her lifeless. She's sick, man, so sick. And I felt like posting this on her FB, even though she wouldn't see it in a while and all of her friends would inmediately shred me to pieces:
Dear Rebeca: I hope one day you get what you deserve. These people here call you a "good person" because they've never seen you explode after getting a "no". You are intolerant, cruel and abusive, and it's unbereable being around you for long. I can't wait for the day you regret the way you turned your life into garbage but I know it's still ages to go before that happens. Hell, you may never realize all the damage you've caused. Because it's always about you, you, you and what makes you feel good. The poor thing that spends four hours in front of the mirror just to say "ew" after getting her picture taken. Your life is ruined? You get what you give.
But yeah, it wouldn't be wise to fuel the fire.
My Sister In Law #1 has endured most of the abuse. She's the one who stayed home to look after the kids, so she's the one who received most of the insults and the yelling and the threats with knives. That's no way to live. And you know, that kid has such a way with drawings. Her drawings are beautiful, she would have made it big. She still can, but I...I'm just afraid she'll never realize the damage she's caused. That's the way she is, the way she thinks. Will there not be justice for my Brother #1 and his wife, either?