Thursday, 07/16/09 - 8:30 pm.
Man, I had such a nice dream with Al that I woke up entirely rested this morning. That never happens, usually I wake up tired. I felt happy, like I indeed had had a heavy make-out session.
In the dream he was going to spend the night at my house because his family was going to "drink a lot" (?). We were just hanging around and then he came close and held my hand and then we'd just cuddle and kiss whenever we were alone (because my parents and Nephew #2 were around). We were very close to kiss on the lips but we were interrupted, and by the end of the dream, my mom was suspicious of what would happen if we were left alone.
By midmorning today, it dawned on me that it ressembled my recurrent Joseph dreams in which he was at my house, but the difference is that he was always hiding. And, um, yeah, this is probably an irrelevant comparison. But I thought about it.
So, you know, I like Al, but it's very strange. I wish we were close friends and I have some kind of, say, cognitive crush on him. He's very attractive to me but I know there's no chemistry. He doesn't really care about me, as proven by all the times he's stood me (and CR) up, the loss of my Fight Club book (damn) and a very vague and uninterested offer to make up for said loss. Don't get me wrong, he's such a nice guy. I just mean, me and him, no fucking chance in hell. He's too much for me: a musician, a cartoonist...stop right there. Just, stop.
Speaking of boys that make my limbic system shake, I've been leaving Joseph behind. I choose not to think of him and it's working. Yes, I felt bad last night when CR told me Joseph was "happy with his tasmanian devil" (Mrs Smith). Listening to Al about his break-up, I felt bad because of how things went wrong with Joseph. I look back and I fear he'll know we had good times but will only remember the bad, boring ones. That's what I do. I *know* that what we had was awesome, but all I can *see* is a routine his house - university - mall/cafe/movie theater in which he was always willing to please me and -I think- I didn't give much in return. I know I'm not to take 100% of the blame, and I could forgive myself for the mistakes on my part, but I still resent myself.
There's not much more to think about Joseph. I guess time is doing its work, I see myself more and more distant from him every day that goes by. It sucks for my ego, on the other hand, because for him I'm not even visible in the horizon. I wish he remembered me fondly, but inevitably, I'm just another exgirlfriend; he remember them all fondly and aside from the time we were together, there's nothing that could make me stand up, let alone overshadow who turned out to be the real love of his life. I understand we were not meant to be, there are a number of reasons for that. I just hate I had to be the final reason to break up.
Ugh, see the things I think when I allow the Joseph topic to arise? Sheesh, let's move on.
Today I was thinking that I wouldn't mind being in a carefree relationship with Al; nothing serious, just for fun, support and all that jazz. It sounded nice, I imagined lots of situations. It sounded nice, until I realized that's what a rebound girlfriend is. So I backed off in every fantasy I'd been having so far. My ego is too fragile to endure being such thing.