Baby-induced insight.
Wednesday, 08/05/09 - 9:53 pm.

I've been thinking about Joseph and his rumored paternity-to-be. As with many things in life, I'm very ambivalent towards this subject. Sometimes I get sad and pitiful, like I did in my last entry; other times I say what I said to my friend Victor: well, I'm glad it was her and not me [who got pregnant].

Because let's face it: many times we had unprotected sex. Those times were the ones that left me the most paranoid about getting knocked up and, I admit it, insufferable. I insisted on using condoms. Joseph would reply that it's not the same and that there was no chance he could get me pregnant. He never showed me cientific evidence of that, other than arguments about his sperm-killing lifestyle and past un-impregnated girlfriends, but he seemed so sure of it that I trusted him. Nevertheless, I'd get paranoid afterwards.

Joseph is a fucking idiot, said Valerie. There's no way in hell she got pregnant entirely on purpose, and he doesn't have his shit together enough to handle a kid. As much as he *could* be happy, he's probably three times as scared shitless. Part of me had thought so, but not so brilliantly articulated. And this comment reminded me of a conversation I once had with Joseph.

I must have written about it here, because it happened during one of my pregnancy scares. And if I recall correctly, it was during my last scare, shortly before graduation, shortly before he broke up with me to live his life with Mrs Smith. I was convinced I was pregnant, and I think he was beggining to consider the possibility that it was true. I asked him how he'd react and he replied "scared" three times before saying happy (damn, I wish I wasn't so lazy so I could go and look it up in my old entries). I wonder how he feels now. Indeed, he doesn't have his shit together. While I was dating him, though, I was willing to overlook that detail.

This afternoon I went out with that old friend I met through Joseph, Maniac. He's so strange, much more so now that he professes the islamic religion (what the hell?!). We caught up on our lives and at times I'd talk about Joseph. He was a gentleman, not asking about him. I felt compelled to fill him in and he seemed interested.

I said what I've said here before: I owe Joseph very much; the consequences of dating him and him breaking up with me have been perhaps the most significant experiences of my life. He remains present (10 months of absence and he still gets nearly-daily mentions in this diary) as the single most important person in my life that is not related to me by blood. I do not hate him and I know he tried to cause the least damage possible...failing spectacularly, but I believe that was mostly because there was a third person involved way too soon. I know we had accurate reasons to end the relationship, regardless of Mrs Smith, but I wish I'd had the chance to digest the brutal blow and the time to build a real friendship with him, with no one else in between to look out for.

Yesterday I wrote that I wasn't interested in knowing about the baby, or anything else about his life. Come to think of it, I'm curious. I'd like to know what's up with all that. I wouldn't feel ready if I was 28 and living with my spouse in my parents' house, both of us with unfulfilling jobs at call centers and not quite academically prepared to find anything better. Of course, there's the chance that they're quite happy living like this because they have the basics and some extra comfort that you don't have when you live a real adult life (like having someone else washing your clothes, making your bed, cooking your meals, paying your bills). Is he scared? Does he feel ready?

After this idea, a good therapist would reflect: so you're saying, you're concerned about Joseph. Why, yes. Apparently, I am concerned about him! Which may mean I care about him, and if so, that may mean I'm not wishing him the worst. So wounds may be healing.

I want him to be happy, even if he's hurt me and she's part of it [...]. And while, duh, I'm hurt by him, and that's unlikely to go away for a while, I harbor no desire not to see him happy, even if not with me. In fact, I am quite sure it won't be with me, and then it would be a huge waste of effort to try and keep him alone and unhappy for the rest of his life. I'm fairly sure it would both fail and leave me the alone and unhappy one.
- Words by Valerie (again; 'cause we seem to go through similar stuff often).

I still can't bring myself to feel that I want him to be happy, but I also don't want him to be unhappy, much less when there's gonna be a child depending on him.

I feel there's something left to say about this, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I've explored the subject on the grim and the bright side. What's left to say? Perhaps nothing, and it's just the need for me to know how he's REALLY doing about this, beyond my suppositions.

I may ask CR, although he seems to be avoiding me. I got that feeling last night, as I've gotten it for a few weeks now, and I wonder if it's because he'd like to avoid the baby subject, if he's trying to get over his feelings for me, or he's just plainly changing his lifestyle and is about to dissapear from my life (he tends to dissapear after a while, I've heard). Joseph used to tell me that CR would be the godfather and guardian of our children. There's no one else in this world that I would trust to raise and look after my kids.


Tomorrow I'm going on a family trip, yay. And on friday night, Victor -my friend from university, not the one I call "my friend Victor"- is playing and I'll go to the concert. Last night I asked CR and Lighthouse to come along, they said yes. Experience teaches me that I should be wary of that "yes". But for some reason, now I feel confident enough to pick up the phone and call Lighthouse to confirm, and I shall do that on friday afternoon. Perhaps I'm learning to see him as a friend? I do fantasize from time to time, but then I think, maybe him not falling for me is for the best. I have plans to go study abroad, anyway. Next year, hopefully.

(on the other hand, I bite my lip; we have a lot of things in common and he's just so fucking cute).

Whew. such a soul-searching entry. I'm exhausted.

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