Thursday, 08/06/09 - 9:57 pm.
I had a good family trip. I saw rainbows on our way there and on our way back home. We spent the morning in a horse-themed restaurant and in the afternoon we visited a nearby village. I met a famous painter who left the city and move there to live off his art and teach art. So awesome.
I thought of Lighthouse. I wish I had the chance to talk to him about this art stuff. I've seen some of his sketches, drawings, I have yet to see animations. Perhaps is that curiosity that he wakes in me what keeps me attracted to him. Speaking of him, I'm hoping to see him tomorrow, to attend Victor's concert. I'll call him to see if he's up to it. I'm tempted to get neurotic and think ahead. But no. I'll just say this: if he doesn't go, I'll find somebody else to go with and I'll have fun; if he goes, awesome. I hope he goes.
But I digress.
I just wanted to write an entry today because Frog passed away a year ago. I put her to sleep after days of agony. My Brother #1 and his family were visiting from Houston so we ended up having some sort of wake. All of my family was here, except for Brother #2 and his wife and kid, and by the time I came home from putting her to sleep, it was coffee time, so we had coffee while the gardener came and dug the hole.
Joseph wasn't around while I was grieving. That was very insensitive of him, I thought. It's comforting having someone by your side when a loved one, be a person or an animal, is ill, and he understood so weeks/months later, when his cat Waffles ripped her stomach open and I stayed by his side while she recovered.
With Frog passing away, a chain of losses came loose in my life. They're not many, but they were very significant. They were not events as much as they were processes. Soon after Frog, it'd be Joseph and my life as a student; both dissapeared on the same day, in october. Then my university life as a whole, when W was forced to resign in december and I lost my venue to teach and be a therapist (that, of course, was taken care of). And the death of my friend Fer in february. I still deal with the loss of Joseph, as you know, because there's always new things that pop up. It was worse before, though, because by then I was still debating whether he'd come back or not. I can't believe I endured four months like that. What an agony.
Every loss since august 08 has made me who I am now, august 09. It was very painful to see how life as I knew it until then was crumbling. It was necessary for me to grow up, but painful nonetheless.
Frog was a dog. Perhaps that doesn't mean anything to conventional people, but a dog is loyal, honest, innocent, unconditional and pure. And I miss her so much. I miss everything about her, I can't even begin to list it. She was always there for me. If I was sick, she'd sleep by my side. If I cried, she'd approach and put her paw on my knee. She was always happy to see me and I was amused at how one being could pretty much give herself away like that. She made me laugh by how lazy and silly she was.
I'm thankful for having had her for so long, and because, all in all, she went away from my life in peace (and not stolen or killed). I still cry when I see her pictures, I can't believe the bond I had with her. I love you, Froggers. You are not forgotten.
I'm thinking of writing something like this entry, about losses, on FB...being cryptic, without names. I ask myself why and I discover it's because I want to reach out to Joseph, and I'm hoping he'll read it and...I don't know...I'm hoping to make a statement, I guess. Yesterday I was having lunch with my cousin -he invited me to have chinese, score!- and "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera came on. And it hit me. Especially these parts:
Well I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm
Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh
After all of the fights and the lies cause you wanted to haunt me
But that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter.