Sunday, 09/01/02 - 11:31 am.
In the evening of september 1st, 2001, I was doing an engine search for Aerosmith e-mail addresses and oddly enough, I found Diaryland. And according to the prophecy, "the rest is history".
Some things that have changed:
- I'm not in love with The Guy anymore.
- My brother Carlos moved out of the house.
- I'm not a junior anymore, and I'm about to graduate.
- I now have friends, like a normal person.
- Simeon learned to shoot spiderwebs.
- The diary layout.
- Now I cut myself.
- Fight Club and stoicism are part of my very own philosophy.
Things that have not changed:
- I love Aerosmith.
- My twin brother.
- My voices (although I used to consider them as split personality).
- I still worry about math.
- I have repressed anger.
- I sometimes love solitude.
- I suffer because of a boy I love.
Bill Watterson says that when you create a comic strip, the characters can develop in any way. In the beggining, you don't know how things will be in the future.
Now that I remember, when I started this diary, I saw this "hey, I've written for a year" statement as something unreachable, and maybe I'd stop writing in a couple of weeks. And I also knew that if this one-year-anniversary arrived, I'd panic, because it'd be another proof of time flying, and I'd be in my last two months of high school. It's not exactly panic, but I do feel something funny about time.
And most important, this diary has helped me a lot. Thanks Andrew!...and thanks to a few diarylanders *tear in left eye*.
I don't think I've learned so much from myself before I had this diary. It's like a mirror to me, and I see my whole self, what I like and what I don't like. I've really learned.
Also, it improved my typing skills (*Simeon sticks up thumbs*).
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The premiere of Behind The Music: Aerosmith is on.
I want to cry, but now I've reached a point I thought I'd never reach: I have no more tears.
I opened my eyes this morning, and I forgot to thank God for being alive. Other things came to my mind: september 1st one year anniversary Aerosmith Behind The Music premiere it's sunday I miss him I have to study for tomorrow Roberto's birthday on friday Frog's on my bed what time is it I can't fall sleep again a new month Fight Club was on TV last night I don't want to get up he's going to the beach today hi Simeon mom got a new shampoo for me I don't have my own bills to pay I'll go to the university in a few months the Simeon chalk hieroglyphics are coming off why is he ignoring me your voices say good morning today's september 1st.
But the thing that keeps bothering me is that I can't cry. It's like I am being forced to be stoic. I think of what he and I did when everything seemed so perfect for the both of us and I compare it to his coldness and I still can't cry. I'm becoming some kind of girl with emotional anorexia that tries to induce herself to vomit tears. But I can't. I get this cold hand (that I'd never known where it comes from) squeezing my heart but it's like my heart is a dry sponge.
For the first time, I don't think stoicism is a good option. But I just can't do anything else. I feel that funny thing inside, when you've been hurt, that feeling that tickles you and brings out tears....but it doesn't. And I still love him.
I think I've never mentioned this here...Denver's second name is the guy's first name. Gosh, I hope I'm not bound to have problems of any kind with boys that have that name.
Words fail me to describe the way I feel right now...yesterday he told me he'd gone out to dance the night before. No, I really didn't feel jealous, I felt...I thought...I said "good for you". Part of me still hopes...you know, like in the movies, they all go through a lot of shit and end up back together, and so it turns out he does love me...but I highly, highly doubt it. I know for an experience that things, as interesting and exciting as they get, not always work out well. And personally, that especially happens when it comes to boys.
Ok, it's the same old song and dance with me, so this is it for now.
Fate comes-a-knocking
doors start locking
your old time connection
change your direction
you ain't gonna change it
you can't rearrange it
you can't stand the pain
when it's all the same to you my friend...
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