It seems that lately hope equals dissapointment.
Thursday, 08/13/09 - 10:37 pm.

I've felt pretty good at work this week. Occassional jackassness and gender discrimination aside, there are many good reasons to be thankful for and feel comfortable where I am. My [legless] boss reminded me tonight that since we stayed very late for the board of directors meeting tonight, I can start work one hour later tomorrow. Sometimes he's extra nice (I've refrained from writing about the three times he's given me humilliating comments in front of other people). A bit of a celebrity, too.

I'm also being extra careful at work because next week I want to go out with the bunch of kids I keep a collective blog with, including Ana and Victor. I'm not going to lie about my whereabouts, it's an absence for fun, dear boss. The most they can do, though, is not pay me for that day or just say no. Either way, it's worth a try.

A few days after Vic and I went to the movies to see GI Joe, he sent me an image that read: "I'm scared that there's only one of you". A few days after Maniac and I went for coffee, he sent me an email saying that our get-together was the highlight of his vacation because I am very peaceful and pretty. M, a high school teacher of mine that went on to become a good friend (and calls me mother-in-law because he likes Liv Tyler), sent me a text message a few days ago, asking when we could get together for coffee.

This week I've not thought about Lighthouse, really, at least not during the day. I already said this: when I say "nobody asks me out" or "boys don't like me", it's him I'm thinking of. Maybe Joseph, too, because he doesn't like me anymore either...keyword being "anymore", so it's an entirely different situation (man, my stomach is in knots sometimes when I think of him). Anyway! That's why I'm recalling what these three young man have told me, to remind me that I'm appreciated, and I do get asked out. Just...not by Lighthouse. I seem to like guys that don't like me back. I know a few of my male friends would be interested in, say, submitting their resume to me. But I'd be an egocentric bitch if I accepted them without being genuinely romantically interested in them.

My friend Victoria got herself a boyfriend a couple of days ago. She was coming out of a bitter break-up and then along came this guy. They went out for a month or so and now they're officialy boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm really happy for her, first of all. She's so happy, and this gentleman seems at least a bit more tactful than the previous one.

Second of all: I suppose I want that. I heard her news and one of the voices in my head said, see? THAT's how a guy that's interested in you acts! He makes an active effort to see you often, to go out with you. Yeah...I've given up, don't worry. All that's left is wishful thinking. A bit of hope, too...but I'm aware that in this case hope equals dissapointment.

You know I'm back talking to Art, right? And I was glad about it because we're friends and we laugh a lot. Today the girl he "jokes" and is *cough*fake*cough* complicated with announced that she finally had a boyfriend, and of course, it was him, "after three of months of finding each other again". Blah. I wouldn't have known if Angel doesn't tell me, because I've blocked her and Art's FB feed, to avoid further emotional injuries. It's always a joke, but it still makes me want to throw up. And to think that earlier this year I'd planned to go see him; if all had gone according to the plan, I'd have visited him last week.

Art and I have reestablished our friendship, and from time to time I get text messages from him again. I half-smile when I see his name on the screen but before I read them, I give him the finger.

My efforts in finding scholarships and universities have the same fate as my efforts with men: I never hear from the ones that I want. I got a call from a Psychology Institute in Spain today (!!!), but I'm not very much into Spain and the place is a little doubtful. I wrote to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and another national institution that grants scholarships, and to the foreign university I REALLY want to go to. Neither wrote back. As for the first two, I'm wondering if those e-mails even work. I should skip work and go there by myself.

Enough for tonight.

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