Saturday, 08/ 22/09 - 9:55 am.
Last night, after writing my entry (only 14 hours ago), I went to bed with a heavy heart. I'm not quite sure why. I had a sudden attack of melancholy. I thought it was maybe because I've reading this really good book and something very sad and outrageous had just happenned. And on top of that, I'd particularly extra sensitive to the suffering in this world as of late: animal suffering, human suffering. The Lucifer Effect is an awesome book, I can't put it down, but also it's been difficult for me to read, because of some of the cruelty depicted from time to time.
So whatever the reason, I wanted to cry while I was in bed, but I refused. Actually, I felt like crying but I didn't want to. Usually I allow myself to do so, but after all the crying over Joseph, I'm just tired, man.
And hey, I dreamed of him, go figure. I had my own apartament and one morning when I woke up to make breakfast, he had broken in. It didn't scare me, but it did surprise me to see him there. I just say hi to him, to the stranger he is now to me. Suddenly he grabs me, puts me against the wall and kisses me. Then he stops and asks something about the lines of me being sorry for losing "all this". For losing him...I think he meant I didn't fight hard enough to keep him by my side. He continues kissing me and I think, isn't this guy married? I interrupt and ask him. He says he is. And I feel bad. Not for me, but for his wife, Mrs Smith. Me, I didn't feel in love with him when he kissed me, but it did feel like home. *I think* that at some time I told him I'd moved on, I live on my own, I go out at night...isn't that a reason why you broke up with me? I've fixed those reasons, but what have YOU done that's new, that you'd bring to our relationship if it started all over?
The end. And don't think I'm not aware of all the symbolism of this dream.
So in the morning I kept thinking about that dream. And suddenly I remembered an episode, perhaps the worst episode I can recall from our relationship. And I was the one who hurt him badly, and now that I look back, I say that if that night made him say "I don't want to be with her anymore", I'd totally understand.
As usual, I wrote about it in this diary but I will not look it up. It was one night when we were with his friends at some coffee-bar outside my university; I'd probably had just finished my classes. We were hanging out and at some point he talks about me, that he loves me, that he's going to marry me. He looked at me, and I looked away whistling. His friends laughed but he was deeply hurt and upset, and he told me that on our way home. I said it jokingly and expected him to laugh, but then I put myself in his shoes and realized I'd probably been hurt, too. Although a part of me says I would laughed. Maybe it's a gender thing...you expect guys to avoid the marriage subject, which is what I did, while girls are supposed to be all hopeful about it, which is what he was doing.
So once again, in the morning, I felt a heavy heart, but this time over Joseph. I hadn't felt like that in a while. Then I was in the shower feeling so sorry over that episode, saying I'd understand if that alone made him fall out of love with me. And inmediately I thought about the last day I went to his house, january 17th...and I said, he looked so emotionally unnattached from me. Like he didn't love me. And he didn't. And right then I started to cry.
He wasn't in love with me and still stuck with me for a while because he didn't want to hurt me; he's not in love with me, self, so forget about those fantasies that every once in a while he stops in his happily-ever-after life after me, to think of me, to realize he misses me. He doesn't miss me at all. He couldn't care less about me at the present time. And that hurts me so much. I still can't get over that feeling of being disposable, of becoming so worthless to the person I've loved the most so far in my life (if I know Joseph a little, I suppose he is still a bit fond of me; but I feel worthless nonetheless). It was probably a process, but to me it looked so sudden, so unexpected.
And um, well, my first patient cancelled so I had the time to get this out of my system. It was killing me, this pain was making me weak and tearful. Now, as planned yesterday, I shall head to Subway and then to my clinic. And see what this day brings.
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