God says I should have some jazz to soothe the frustration.
Sunday, 08/23/09 - 02:09 pm.

I believe my last line in the previous entry was pretty hopeful. Let's see what this day brings. It brought a lot of dissapointment, you know, although it also brought good company and good music.

Right after posting the entry, I bought my lunch and went to the clinic. The Subway guy was quick and I found no traffic, so I made it in, what, 20 minutes? I left home too early, too, so I was there by 10:30 am. My patient was to arrive at 11:30 and I'd forgotten to bring a book. So I reviewed the cases and looked out the window.

At 11:15 my patient calls, says he can't make it. My next patient will arrive at 1:30 pm and I feel like falling into a coma. I'm frustrated and I wonder what to do. Noboby I know leaves in the area and I don't want to go to any of the malls nearby because it's not much of a difference than staying in the clinic, other than I'd have more room to walk about. Plus, I'd already bought my lunch. I listened to the radio for a while, and I found an interesting though poorly acted radio soap opera...but I turned it off when they started talking about accepting Jesus Christ as your savior, and it went from dialogue to sermon. I'm a firm believer, but I hate all the preaching.

My 1:30 patient arrived 25 minutes later. You can imagine that by now, even with all my mad patience skills, I was very, very upset. So speaking of God, I started asking Him what the fuck was up with all this, making me lose my time like that, was I being punished for something? It felt like a punishment. While I enjoy kicking back and relaxing and having some spare time, this was plainly dead time. Although I tried to write a little, listen to music, daydream and review my cases.

I looked out the window and kept asking God, but I knew I wouldn't get an answer. I didn't find a reason why I was forced to lose my time like that, so I said it was just a miserable chain of events. I even thought of giving up my clinic practice because it sucks being cancelled at the last minute and kept waiting while you have other things to do afterwards. It's a good thing I'd poured my heart out before leaving, though, or I'd have thought about Joseph in my waiting hours, to the point of breaking down and falling into a fetal position (especially now that I've learned that thinking about him being emotionally unattached from me makes me cry instantly).

And while looking out the window, I also said, automatically, and I bet this isn't the worse thing that will happen today. I had a little hunch, but at the time I didn't know if I should've taken it as plain negativity.

Finally my patient came, we did our thing and went home. Outside, there was Rod, my good friend from high school, sitting on his car waiting for me. We'd made a kinda date to go for coffee. We went in his car and we spent a lovely hour or so. That was a highlight of my day. Rod and I were very close in senior high, we worked together often, and we still speak regularly. He's a sweetheart.

When I came home I did what I'd been looking forward to all week. Call Lighthouse to take him to Joe's jazz gig at night. I call him nervously. He says he can't make it because the drummer of his (now disbanded) band is having his birthday party. He didn't remember it was his birthday until he got the call to be invited to the party. He apologized a couple of times. And I said, "sure, no problem" in many ways. But obviously when I hung up I was very, very, very upset. My hunch was right. It was a valid reason and all, but how come this guy always turns out to be such a dissapointment? I wonder if he realizes all the times he's left me hanging.

I almost decided not to go to the jazz concert. But I say, fuck it, I still can have fun. So I started sending text messages and in the end, Victor and Lorena attended with me. Victor picked me up and I paid for him; he was broke but (a) I know he likes jazz; (b) I seriously enjoy his company; (c) he needs to get out of his house; (d) he gives me rides.

The concert was great. A lot of people showed up. Joe is an awesome guitar player. When it ended, Victor and I gave Lorena a ride and it turns out she lives close to my clinic! I figured God was saying, hey, now you have someone in that area and you may not be miserable again like you were on saturday noon. I told her about my clinic and she said we should get together some day. Yay! It feels good to have a new friend who actually seems interested in hanging out with you.

And that was my day. I'm glad I was able to balance dissapointment with fun. I have to admit that after hanging up with Lighthouse I sat on the edge of my bed and wondered what the hell should I do now. I was so, so, so frustrated. It sucks to be looking forward to something for so long and then get it cancelled. Say, like with my patients.

I'm thankful for having someone as cool as Lighthouse in my life, but I also wonder, why would You put someone so frustrating on my path? To teach me tolerance, I suppose. And him being so unreliable over and over must be God's way of telling me "no chance in hell that you're getting together with this guy". See, He does answers my questions. Usually it's not what I want to hear at all but I appreciate His attention.

So I suppose I'll stay home this sunday afternoon. I hate staying home, really, but I'm too lazy and unmotivated to dress up and ask people around, and also I've spent enough money lately. Mostly the first reason. Which I still debate, because I'd also hate to lose my time today, like I did yesterday.

Ah, crap. Lighthouse's birthday is in two days. I'll call him, I suppose, although I have nothing else to say to him besides "happy birthday". I met him on my birthday...which is a useless fact, I just related the events. It was a big deal for me, though, because it's him I started to go to cool places at night with. CR was there all along, but he was over the night life by then.

If only I stopped hoping for the best with this guy.

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