Monday, 08/24/09 - 10:23 pm.
Staying home yesterday proved to be a huge mistake. I spent the day with melancholy, anger and depression, swinging from one to the other within minutes. And it always revolved around Joseph. I also fell into a state of apathy that stopped me from playing guitar or piano, which is something that usually cheers me up.
It wasn't until late in the night when I had the chance to talk to someone who really knew my situation. Well, it was two people, separately: Victor and Victoria (but not Victor from university, Victor my former instructor; he's the one I speak to on a daily basis). I told them how I was feeling about all-things-Joseph and as usual, they were very receptive and comforting. I still went to bed with an awful load of misery on my back, with a sense of having nothing to look forward to, but somewhat relieved nonetheless.
I woke up this morning feeling empty. But I was hoping that getting back into some activity would release me from feeling like this. I assume this deep relapse into the Joseph subject is due to my inactivity over the weekend, all that spare time and the lack of a nice constant to think about. This weekend, with the exception of seeing Rod and attending the jazz concert, was quite a dissapointment and left me slightly brokenhearted. And also, I'd had a dream with Joseph on friday night, remember? That also kept me thinking about him.
Indeed, this day was good enough to keep me distracted from him and I felt better in general. In the afternoon, I joined Mr Finance Manager and Mrs Social Worker to go out for lunch. I was a little reluctant at first, but it was only because staying in the office for lunch was my routine. Truth is, they're both really nice people, perhaps the easiest to get along with from the staff that I consider my bosses. I had a nice time and I realized that this was socializing too, so I felt a bit more upbeat afterwards. See, doing things is what keeps me calm and away from Joseph.
Today at four, Carolyn, the peace fellow, was sick and I got off from work to take her home. I came back to begin writing this entry, until five o'clock rolled around and I drove to the clinic for my weekly meeting with W and Patty.
But even there, while Patty was explaining her clinical cases, Joseph assaulted my thoughts. You know what I've been thinking? I've been thinking of the times I was in touch with him after our break-up. How I had to endure him talking about her over and over again, and it's just deadly being overlapped and then seeing a better someone than you in your place. I thought of a quote from the Big Bang Theory, in which Sheldon says that two things occupying the same space is an impossibility that Nature would quickly resolve into death, mutilation and then he notices a golf course and stops talking. Anyway, yeah, I feel like I exploded or something. It killed me being removed from his life like this. Patty was talking about her new patient and I was feeling like crying.
But no use dwelling on these Joseph thoughts, right? They hurt me. They don't change a thing of my reality, much less of the past. They just remind me I failed and I stopped being worthy of his feelings (feelings, I may add, I'm so scared nobody else will have for me again, not in such intensity and so honestly). However, I've been contemplating inducing a state of misery similar to the one I had in january, because I need to lose some weight.
Before I leave, I shall say this:
The girl Art jokes with, the one he says is his girlfriend on Facebook? We've been talking. Of course, we are high school friends. She and I have been organizing a little get-together for our high school friend Pablo, who leaves for Cuba this weekend. So anyway, she ended up asking me to add her to my messenger list.
As we became more confident, I told her a little about a bad break-up (Joseph) and the "guy after that", who also played with my feelings. That guy is Art, but I never said his name. I didn't go deep on this subject, but it felt kinda nice to talk about him with her. They're not in love, it's all a show, but it still made me giggle. She's cute, really.
And remember how I used to say, as I wiped my tears, that I should make Joseph's wife fall in love with me so she'd leave him? I should totally do this with Art's "girlfriend". How cool would that be? Haha. And this would be even easier, because they're just playing, it's just a matter of changing relationship status. I'll think about it. However, I'd also hate to invest time and effort on a subject that ultimately keeps distressing me.
And speaking of distress...tomorrow's Lighthouse's birthday, and I'm compelled to call him. I'm so scared, though, because I don't have much to say to him, so I'm guessing it'll be an awkward 20-second phone call at the most. You see, I don't want to ask him about any plans for celebrating, because that'd sound like I'm asking to be invited to whatever he's having. He wouldn't invite me, we're not that close.
So a 20-second phone call will be. It's something to look forward to, anyway, even if it's just dissapointment in the end.