I have three crushes simultaneously but none of them are crushed by me.
Sunday, 08/30/09 - 10:24 pm.

I went out with my parents this morning, to check my car at a gas station and have some coffee that ended up turning into lunch. It was very enjoyable. Since I joined the work force, I see my parents much less than I used to, although I consider that healthy for my independence. But I try to spend time with them during the weekend, because after all, I'm lucky to have both of them alive.

Late in the afternoon, I went out with CR. I missed hanging out with him and even with his never-ending monologues. We drove around for a while and we ended up at some coffeeshop that's owned by the boyfriend of a girl I used to be an instructor for. I love her to pieces and she once opened for the White Stripes in her country, so that automatically makes her jaw-dropping cool to my eyes. She's such a thing in her own right, though, because she's incredibly gorgeous, talented and smart (this is just my heterosexual appreciation) but, you know, opening for The White Stripes. That's a plus.

Anyway! I spent most of the time listening to CR. I don't think I said anything, but that's fine. At times I felt like bringing up the Joseph subject, but I decided against it. And by the "Philosopher Mode: On" that CR had, it was better that way. He did say, shortly before our goodbye, that the man I got involved with (never said his name) had been unfaithtful to me, heavily. He meant it in a biblical sort of way...something along the lines of, "if you've had carnal access with your partner, then it's like that person is your spouse because you're sharing each other's intimacy and that implies making a lifetime commitment that people don't take seriously at all nowadays and so they jump from one sexual partner to another, and that's when a lot of psychic trouble begins". Read that out loud, I'm trying to emulate CR.

But yeah, kinda sorta like that. Like I said a few entries ago, I feel like I've gone, I'm going through divorce. And Joseph getting involved with Mrs Smith, even though not in a carnal way, while he was still with me, feels like being massively cheated on, especially when we look at what happened next. But anyway...that's as much as we talked about him. I wanted to ask CR about Joseph, but what for? To start crying again? This fucking Joseph guy will be my crush forever, it seems.

I congratulated myself because, unlike previous get-togethers with CR, I did not expect or wished for Lighthouse to join us. I'd have loved it if he did, but it wasn't a necessity and he was not very missed. He and CR had been invited to a wedding last night, and I learned Lighthouse had taken a lady friend, so that reinforces my "I'm over him" efforts. But like I told CR, I got used to hanging out with the two of them, so in that way, I do miss him. Being with Lighthouse usually means going to cool places (his house alone is awesome) and doing cool stuff, so yeah, maybe I have a crush on him because I associate him with, plainly and simply, having fun. And let's face it, the fucker is a musician and an animator, not to mention handsome. I drool over him, but to be honest, I don't feel any chemistry between us.

You know who else makes my nerves shake? Joe. He's playing on thursday, although I'm not sure if I'll attend. He plays at 10 pm and I have to work the next day. On the other hand, I could use some fun in the middle of the week and Lighthouse could come along to meet him to see if they can work together on his album.

Last night we talked a little, nothing important. Before I said goodbye, I mentioned a drawing we once made together on Yahoo Messenger; I'd drawn a loch ness monster and a pirate ship and then he drew someone. "Who's that?", I asked. "Fidel Castro". I laughed out loud at the randomness (I love randomness). He didn't remember the drawing but then he said he'd found old e-mails I'd sent him one time I was in Houston, when we used to write each other everyday. I lost those emails when my Aerosmith account was cancelled out of the blue, but I do remember. I really enjoyed that.

The thing is, Joseph can't write, or at least, is too lazy to care about writing with the minimal requirements to be understood. Me, I tend to be very verbal, especially on written mode (3861 entries so far, eh), so I found talking to Joe intellectually stimulating, while I was also getting the kind of attention and interest I'd expect to get from my boyfriend who was currently away from me.

Last night I [re]discovered some feelings I have for Joe, but if he was ever attracted to me, and I think he was, he got over me. And it's for the best, really. I spent a long time having feelings, strong feelings, over both guys, but at the end of the day I'd pick Joseph. And I'd probably look at Joe and say, "he's not Joseph", because I repeated myself that so many times. And if Joseph found out Joe and I hooked up, he'd be all triumphalist and it'd be like he was right all the time, and I'd hate to give him that satisfaction. I know that's a lot of Joseph in this paragraph, but I can't help it.

Point is, it's neat Joe got over me, that'll save me a lot of trouble. I wonder why I keep having feelings for him, though. I've had them since 2003, isn't it odd? And it's just a biological thing, some kind of physical chemistry. Like I had magnets or something. The closer he was to me, the more I felt this kind of nervousness, not in my stomach, but in my bones. And I love his voice, but his image "is not Joseph", and his name is also Joseph with a boring last name, as with Joseph-Joseph...

And I should probably just go to bed.

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