What is up with the accelerated heartbeat?
Monday, 09/07/09 - 9:26 pm.

So I went out with Joe last night. He lives in a little neighborhood that I like very much, because it's classy and it's far away from mine (I like driving around on weekends, you know). He was waiting for me under a street sign.

And...well, we just talked all the time, from his house to the mall to the movie theater, until the movie started, and then we talked all the way back to his house where we said goodbye with a kiss on the cheek. That was the only physical contact we had, aside from when he pulled my arm after, him: at least the ones who came to my concert enjoyed themselves; me: I don't doubt it. All three of them. He said yes very convincingly but then had a "hey!" moment.

I can tell you this: if I'd been a guy, I would have been sporting an erection for a while. Yeah, I know, that's not a very romantic thing to say. But what the hell does this guy have? I had to take a bathroom break in the middle of the movie and in the silence of the elegant restroom I took the time to realize what I was feeling: my fucking heart rate. It was a thousand beats per minute the whole time I had him by my side. I'm really confused as to what this is. It's not being horny to the point of wanting to fuck him, it's not being in love either.

He didn't show a sign of having feelings for me, but hanging out with him was so nice that I felt, um, fulfilled? just by having him next to me. After dropping him off and driving away, I didn't even feel dissapointed for not seeing in him any romantic interest in me. Maybe it's denial. Maybe it's that I feel so strongly for him that I can't register his lack of interest. And yet he doesn't have any interest. I want to believe he does, but evidence proves otherwise.

You could say I've been high all day. Imagining stuff about having him in my life. And I wonder: self, what the fuck? What are you doing? Why are you doing it? Why now? I know, I know, it felt really good having him around like that, it's a chance I never had, and I've liked him since 2003, even before I met Joseph (fuck!)...even before I even met him! But I can feel I'm getting desperate, while he's just...zen.

So I've been high, and it wasn't until the late afternoon when it occured to me that perhaps, maybe, he doesn't have a crush on me anymore. Well, DUH! So now I'm coming down. Geez.

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