A new path and white noise.
Monday, 09/14/09 - 11:23 pm.

I had a very exciting day, in terms of seeing my future. First off, though, today and tomorrow we celebrate Independence Day so I'm not going to work. GOD! How I miss being home like this. And how I don't want to get back to being a secretary. But, I tell myself, I'm still lucky to have a job that pays the bills and makes my savings grow. So shush!

Brother #3 invited me for coffee this afternoon, to discuss my recently-made decision of pursuing studies in Spain. The place was supposed to have wi-fi but it was a complete failure, so we couldn't surf the web to examine programs and stuff. He tells me that the wi-fi started working shortly after I left. But it was still good. We talked about many things over iced coffee, and he explained to me a few things about studying in Spain (he was going to, a few years ago, until the scholarship given to him by our very own university turned out to be a lifetime-enslaving loan). Time spent with Brother #3 is always well spent.

Afterwards, I met up with W at our clinic, to review my cases of this week. For one, I got awesome guidance and for the other, the news that it's time to wrap it up. I'm not entirely satisfied but I'll wrap up precisely because she isn't sticking to the program. If she doesn't work toward her own goals, there's not much else I can do for her. In fact, I'm pretty dissapointed myself and I've also lost my enthusiasm to work with her. I know when the fault for not making progress is mine, but this time I can honestly say that I did everything I could. We did achieve the primary goal, but considering this process has been 11 months long, one, either as patient or as therapist, would expect more and better results. Oh, well.

W also talked to me about Spain, but it was mostly about his non-academical experiences (he studied there). He also told me about the importance of knowing one's personal history, by word of mouth of significant others. That's how you can know things you don't even remember about yourself, and looking back allows you to see patterns in your life, for better or for worse. It's a rather interesting topic, but I'm too tired to explain.

Before I go, I have to say something I realized today. It's funny, because it's been SO obvious. But I haven't put it into words: I think about Joseph for at least half of the day. Every day. Now, this is nothing to get distressed about. These nearly ever-present thoughts are devoid of emotion, unless I really touch a painful fiber, but even those are becoming rare; I mean, what's left to cry about regarding him? Truth is, I've been pretty good about this lately.

Mostly I imagine him in his new life. I see a little slideshow of our moments together, things he used to say to me...stuff like that. I miss being with him, I feel hurt, angry, sad and abandoned on a cognitive level (it's not much that I *feel*, but I *think* that's how I feel, as strange as that sounds)...but I'm glad I'm not in his wife's shoes. I think he's cool like few people in this world are, but I also think he's just a person.

He must be insanely happy about his baby (I wonder if it's a boy or a girl); perhaps it's what he's wanted for so long and perhaps he considers this moment, when he's academically unprepared, barely employed and living with his wife in his parents' house, to be THE moment to bring a child to this world. But me, I'm very happy not having such lifetime commitments just yet, let alone in his position, and not when I still have big plans for myself. And this is maybe my biggest comfort when I realize he's vanished from my life forever. Several people, one of them last saturday, have told me that I dodged a bullet.

One of the few things that still make me feel bad, though, is looking at how I have gotten over Joseph to a considerable degree. Because then I have this automatic message that says, "now just imagine how forgotten and unimportant you have been for him, for much longer". Ouch. My ego. But then I say, dude, there's nothing I can do about that.

So, yeah. I'm thinking about Joseph maybe 75% of the time, but I can afford it, emotionally. I don't need to talk about him with anybody anymore. I don't bring up his name with CR. He's still present in my life, but I consider him a dead subject. White noise. A phantom limb. Something that goes on in my mind, until I have something better to fill it with.

Now, yes, I'm done. Tomorrow I'll fire away those e-mails to Spain. I have narrowed down my choices.

prev / next