Tuesday, 09/03/02 - 2:47 pm.
I had two rough exams today, social studies and lit (or language, it's the same). Social studies was more about "empirical knowledge", AKA shit-made-up-on-the-run: neoliberalism, man is worthless if he doesn't consume, and we all love money, blah, blah, blah. And lit...the book. They weren't difficult, just long. It was two hours of verbal diahrrea and I finished up with a knot in the muscles of my neck and achy fingers.
I went to see the soccer match after the exam (some people finish fast and we have free time until 10:00 am). I was hanging out with my Obese Girl and she wanted to play volleyball. I watched her play for a while but since Denver was there, I decided I should go away. I'm starting to feel awkward when he's around. I suppose it is advisable that from now on I stay away from him.
I arrived to the field and there were 30-40 people there (all seniors, except for The Guy), players and "fans" (there are more than 11 players in each team). It was an entertaining match, to say the least, although it was finishing when I arrived. All those sweaty guys hanging their shirts near the benches so they'd dry in time for classes...it was sweet.
I'm slowly getting back to my loneliness, and I tend to think that it's my nature. I was alone most of the time during recesses, sitting on the hallway floor. Although there's always someone who sees me and comes sit next to me, which I consider a huge difference, because in the past, no one ever did that for me.
The third recess was...well, let's say I wasn't entirely pleased. I lied down on the floor, and spent around 7 minutes that way, alone. My arm was stretched and I kept looking at it, imagining I had just slit my wrist. Sophie saw me (she's usually the one who sits next to me) and I still don't have the heart to tell her that I want to be alone so she stayed and leaned her head on my knee. Then Roberto and Carmen showed up but I had already seen Denver, with Claudia and Norman and I wasn't in the mood to be putting up with others' ridiculous behaviors (they were laughing scandalously over some stupid shit they were doing). I wish I could have told them to go fuck off.
I walked in the classroom with...finally, tears in my eyes. Part of me was happy because that meant I wasn't unable to cry anymore. But of course, for the most part, I was sad. Vic looked at me and asked me what was wrong. It's Denver, right?...I looked back at him and he knew. Oh, baby, don't worry about him...there are plenty of men who *do* love you...I want to marry you. Yeah, I bet he does. I mean...I suppose he likes me. He's in love with his girlfriend of course, but it's like a...platonic love, or something. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if I married you.... Oh, how sweet. But Vic is my brother and his girlfriend is the one for him.
Speaking of boys-and-girls, The Guy has a girlfriend. I don't know why, but everytime I think of that, I smile. Maybe because I can't believe who he is dating. Maybe because I got my wish. Maybe because I find it funny that I got my wish. Maybe because they look cute together. Maybe because he has found someone and I haven't....whatever the reason is, I'm not jealous at all, because I don't have feelings for him anymore. I just find weird how everything happened all of a sudden. The girl, Diana, is in my classroom. And I can't believe they're together because...it just never crossed my mind, they're different. Like I said, all of a sudden, I saw them spending way too much time together. But if they're happy and if he loves her (he'd better love her) and she loves him back (it seems so) then there's nothing to debate. Congratulations to the happy couple *Simeon sticks a balloon to the wall with his spiderweb*.
On my way to the parking lot after dismissal...I, uh...well, I was on my way to the parking lot. I walked through the hallway quickly, so I wouldn't run into Denver yet at the same time I was hoping I would. So I was on my way to the parking lot, by the stairs and I saw him (shit, what the hell is he doing up here so quickly? we just walked out). He was walking by and for the minimal fraction of time (less than a second) our eyes met...I pretended I didn't see him and looked somewhere else, and I don't know if he noticed I noticed him, but he did notice me...or at least saw me (there is a difference, you realize). I suck at reading others' eyes, ok? So I don't know what he was thinking. Sometimes I think he's mad at me for something and that makes me feel even worse about our separation.
It's still hard for me to bear with his indifference.
You drove me mad
and drove out of my head
while you never shed a tear...