Saturday, 09/19/09 - 10:31 pm.
Well, it feels like I haven't written in a while here, though it's been only three days. I thought about writing everyday, but I didn't think I had enough interesting facts to discuss. Now I do, apparently.
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My parrot died today. I'm going to miss him very much. He was very annoying sometimes, and he was quick to throw himself at you as soon as you came near, all the time, but he was a member of the family like any other. He'd been with us since 1991, and before that, he'd been with my cousins for at least four years.
It was very quick. He was very sick yesterday, like he couldn't move. I'll miss looking out the window and seeing him. He was funny. My comfort is that I opened the cage for him and he'd spend his days outside of it; this huge stand-in cage. Now that he's gone, we think of many things we'd have done differently, but I figure, if he lived this much, without diseases or getting hurt, we must have done something good to take care of him.
My mom said he apologized to him for all the times we cut his wings so he wouldn't get away. What a terrible thing to do to a bird, indeed. He still ran away a lot of times, because we'd refuse to cut the wings. Sometimes he came back on his own, sometimes we had to go find him.
Now he's resting next to Frog. I dug a hole next to her grave and he fit perfectly in it, wrapped up in a tiny blanket. And at least they've both gone away without tragedy (not run over or attacked or just dissapeared). Thank you, Parrot. We had a great time with you.
***
One of these nights, I dreamed of Joseph. I was at some airport-mall and he came with me to see a movie. The situation fit reality: he was my ex and he was married. We were going out as friends. He was buying our tickets for the movies and then a good-looking guy who was "my fan" (?) came up to me and started making out with me. Joseph was entertained by the escene and wasn't jealous at all. I was flattered, I think.
Later, we were outside the airport-mall. And Joseph was being interviewed, like he was a rock star, by some sort of celebrity reporter. And he was talking about how he decided to get married and about how blissful his marriage was. I could only hear him, I think I had my back against him, and I was waiting for him to finish the interview to get on with whatever we were doing (hanging out, I believe). But as I was listening to him, I started to feelbad, hurt. Because I could hear his voice clearly, telling how wonderful his life was. His wonderful life without me. And I'm pretty sure those are the things he says in real life. I can't picture him unhappy or not wanting the life he has right now.
I've been really close to crying over him again. I've been having a severe case of nostalgia, and I miss him. One of these days, I was coming from work and I thought that it'd be great to spend the rest of the afternoon in his house. For a while I wanted him back. But things are broken beyond repair, and never seeing him again is for the best. Yes? Yes.
Sometimes I get weak. Like right now.
***
Last night a bunch of my classmates and I got together. It was fun. And the photos are like my trophies, for being a big girl and going out at night with friends.
D showed up. I hadn't seen him in quite a while. Looking back, it's funny to think how heartbroken he got me in senior high school. His silent rejection was devastating and this keloid on my arm is pretty much because of him. But last night it didn't matter. He was telling me about some of his trips, his possibilities of studying abroad and the tattoo he wants to get done.
He asked about my own tattoo and loved it (I wonder who told him; we're not FB friends yet because he got an account like three weeks ago). It's funny, because he's thinking of a phoenix bird on the back, like mine. And also, of something to represent his family. I say it's funny because I've been thinking the same. I've decided to get one above the ankle, on the back, with a contraction of my family names (my dad's last name and my mom's last name). I'm only refraining because it will be a bit more visible with some shoes or when I get out of the shower. My parents are not looking or anything, but you never know. Then I think, though, they'd secretly dig that it's the family name, because it'd show how proud I am of my family and how much I love them and am grateful for having them. But I digress.
D asked me what I'd done all these seven years since high school. And I had no exciting answer. When I got home and revisited the situation, I said, hey, that's not true: I wrote a book, graduated with honors, changed my way of thinking and thus some feelings and behaviors, stopped cutting, traveled to Houston, got a job, set up my psychology clinic, opened Simeon's site, got a tattoo, and managed to screw up a relationship so bad that the guy ran off and married somebody else. Not too bad, eh?
Still, I feel like I haven't done much. The things you keep with you from the past, I read recently somewhere, are experiences, not things. And I've been thinking about this even more because today's patient recently lost his mother (grandma, but she raised him and protected him when his dad and stepmoher would beat him up). And he's full of regret over many things he didn't do for her. Today I have many chances, many people, that may not be here tomorrow. It's nowhere the same as losing a mother, but I lost my parrot today and even with him I've had a deal of sorrow and regret.
The lesson is that I must not take anything for granted. It's so easy to get caught up in everyday life. I don't blame myself or anybody else for doing it, because it seems that's how things are engineered to be. But also, I can change that, if I make the effort. I have to get out of my comfort zone, and reach out more to my people. And other people. And take care of what I have in the best possible way (note to self: this includes taking my cat to the vet; there's absolutely no sign of tumors and she looks as healthy as ever, but I should still get her checked).
In this regard, also, there's a music academy down the street of my clinic, and this week I'll go and see if I can take drumming lessons. I have a very tight schedule and not a lot of money, but it doesn't hurt to ask. Maybe I could work something out. That'd be awesome.
***
I had a lovely evening. I exercised (something I hadn't done this year), took a shower afterwards, had dinner with my parents and watched a movie with them and with M, the housekeeper, who's become a member of the family, too.
And it rained all the while. I gave myself permission to enjoy this little bubble of bliss that is my home. I really appreciate my life.
***