Tuesday, 09/22/09 - 2:54 pm.
I've congratulated myself for not giving too much thought to Mr and Mrs Smith's pictures. They did hit me last night, and I sobbed a little. But I moved on. The idea of deleting Joseph off my list is so tempting, and perhaps I don't have to wait for certain things to happen. It'd be such a relief, like when I deleted him and his wife from my messenger contacts. It hurts, but it's a relief. As if you removed duct tape from your mouth. Or as if you let go of a dead, frozen Jack, for him to go dive into the depths of the ocean after the Titanic sank.
Speaking of exboyfriends, 1 spoke to me last night. 1, my very first boyfriend. We dated for six months or so, may/june-december 2003, and I endured four or five of those because I didn't want to break his heart. I wasn't in love with him. He said he liked me, I said "I like you, too" and he said, "so it's settled then" (something like that...but I don't feel like digging waaaay old entries to confirm), and he grabbed my hand, walked me to class and gave me an uncomfortable kiss on the lips. I broke up with him before my last exam of the semester, one day before I left for Houston. It was quick, I said one phrase in the line of "it's over", I saw an expression of pain in his face, and we turned around.
Joseph once told me 1 wanted to get back together with me, but backed off when he learned he (Joseph) liked me. I saw 1 once in a while around campus, and eventually we added each other to MSN and FB, although we must have spoken very briefly just two or three times all these years. Last night we had a brief chat, too, but he said in the end that maybe we could get together for tea (?) one day. He lives in another province, and he doesn't come to the capital city too often, but yeah, I'm up for it. It'd be great. I don't remember much about him, you know? Six months and I remember just a few nice things, but I always felt really bad for breaking his heart. Still do (wouldn't it be nice if Joseph had the same sensibility about me?). I'd like the chance to be a good ex, at least to 1.
Well, I'm writing from work, by the way. I have a patient at the clinic at 7 so I'll get home late with no chance to write. I'm not happy with this job, and I'm about to send out my resume for a chance to be a psychologist: I get to do research, work with groups, read, write papers, all on the subject of juvenile gangs. It's a one-year project, and I'd be earning more than I do now. I'm kind of hoping I won't get this chance, because I'd leave on such short notice (starts next week) and I'd leave my current workplace hanging. Plus, I have some doubts about this new place. But I have to try. I'm getting crippled here. I hope there'll come more chances, but in my field, they don't come too often.
Ugh, I feel I'm getting stuck in this kind of life. I have to pull myself together and keep looking, for new jobs and scholarship opportunities. And keep writing. This time in an unfulfilling job has to be worth something.
To end this with lighter, happier news, I'm going to the movies on sunday. With Joe. He didn't ask me out, it was more like he suggested we went. He told me he couldn't reply to my message on sunday because he was rehearsing. I told him it was just to ask him if he wanted to come along to the movies; "I figured", he said. He asked me if I'd seen Milk. I did, at home, but because I didn't think it would come to national theaters. It arrived last week, though, and I thought of seeing it again, if anything, to support the gay rights movement, that's going through a situation right now. I really like the movie.
So we're going on sunday. My heartbeat increases when I remember this appointment (it's not a date), but I know it's just a friend thing. I'm free of delusional romantic hopes. I'm not expecting anything, I'm just happy to have plans to go out with a pretty boy. Let's hope plans unfold as stated, yes?
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