That's a lot of boys in one entry.
Saturday, 09/26/09 - 7:59 pm.

Hello. I have a headache. I haven't had one in a while, and I don't know what triggered it. I got it in the afternoon, because my patient arrived an hour later and I was hungry. This long wait was made up with the fact that he made a huge progress today and he gave me a lamp-lighter for my troubles of waiting around.

He offers me gas money when he's late or can't make it, but I won't take it; ever. I must not take anything from him (I'm seeing him for free; the saturday patient that pays me cancelled today's appointment. Booo!), so rest assured that I took the lamp-lighter he was so wholeheartedly offering me out of what's called a therapist's neurotic need, meaning, in my best interest and not in the patient's. I admit it. Now let's move on.

This afternoon I went out with Victor and Victoria. It's always a riot to see them. We went to this coffeehouse owned by a former pupil of mine named Monica. She was there. And later, another former pupil of mine, Orlando, came and picked her up to attend W's meditation class (that W, he's so zen). W was their favorite professor; and I worked for him as their instructor. So there's a lot of history between us. Orlando got a tattoo and is a drummer in a local well-known band. I used to have a little crush on him, and I think it was mutual. Just a toy crush, nothing serious. Oh, and I may meet with them again for coffee. It'd be great. I love these kids.

In an hour, I'll go see Joe play jazz. I was debating whether to go or not, because I have a headache and I'm going alone. But as my motto says, it'd beat staying home for the night. I called CR to see if he wanted to come along; he couldn't. I called Lorena, she couldn't. I called Lighthouse, he couldn't. But it's all good, man.

Talking to Lighthouse made me so happy, regardless of his answer. I melt by talking to him. He sounded genuinely happy to get a call from me, and sounded genuinely sorry for not being able to make it, but he had to attend a wedding. He even thanked me for always trying to make the connection between himself and Joe (Lighthouse is looking for a guitar player) and said he'd been very slow lately, to the point of missing a chance of meeting with a guy from Pixar (Lighthouse is an animator, remember?). But, he said, will try to step up. And he'll call me tomorrow. He says.

You know, I have developed this selfless crush on him. Like, I don't care if he doesn't call me, if he stands me up, if he can't make it to my invitations. It's just neat talking to him. And it's neat how we're pals, and how happy he sounds when he greets me over the phone. And I'm happy that I'm quite content with the way things are.

Oh, hey, tomorrow I may go out with Joe, too. We're supposed to go see Milk but I'll ask him tonight if plans are still on. And perhaps I can take him to meet Lighthouse. That'd be awesome.

And speaking of guys that remind me how fucking heterosexual I am, I talked to Starfox Guy last night. But it was sad. He's thinking of breaking up with his girlfriend of three years. I started to cry as he was telling me that, because he was being Joseph: she is very important to me, but I'm not in love with her anymore.

I fell asleep at 2 am, because I stayed up talking to him. It was hard and I had to tell him that I knew how much guilt and hurt he was experimenting, but I sympathized the most with his girlfriend, even though I have never seen her. She's still in love with him.

All this got me thinking about Joseph. As much as it hurts, I can't blame him for falling out of love with me, can I? I probably wasn't enough of a good girlfriend, or at least what he wanted as a girlfriend, but...these things happen, no? You don't hate the person, you acknowledge how important she's been in your life, but there's no room for her in it anymore. How awful. If I think too much about this, I go nuts and I break down.

I know it happens, but it's so ugly and scary and hurtful to lose the love of the one you're in love with. Makes you wonder just much how a piece of crap you are because they don't want you around anymore. Alas, Starfox Guy does want his soon-to-be-ex in his life, because he loves her; he just isn't in love with her anymore. I should give Joseph some credit in that regard: he gave me the movie Fight Club for christmas, even though we had broken up, for example. I remember that and my heart breaks, though. Perhaps I could have remained friends with him, in time. But I was replaced so quickly that I have no desire to make amends with him or ever see him again.

I told Starfox Guy, as a suggestion coming from my own experience, that he stayed away from her after the break-up. To be tactful and discrete if he was to get a new mate, or even better, not to have a mate for a while (luckily, he's a smart guy and is going for the latter...he wants time for himself). Joseph wasn't tactful or discrete. I didn't want to see his love story developing, I didn't want to hear how he went dancing with her, or how much fun they had at the beach, or how he picks her up at work, or he calls her "my baby girl" when she's sick. He was in his right to shout it to the world, but if I was really out of his world, I didn't want to hear about how much better it was after me; how it improved the minute I was out of his life because he found somebody better who's now carrying his child. How the "out of sight, out of mind" applied so well to me and I'm a distant memory, if I'm a memory at all.

And I should change subject before I start to cry. I feel bad enough, with the headache. I feel like throwing up. I feel very tired. But I have things to look forward to: jazz in less than an hour, tomorrow I may have fun with cute boys, my drumming lessons (I'll try to enroll on tuesday), visiting the head of the psychology department of my university to see if there's room for me in the teaching field next year (doesn't hurt to ask, does it?), possibilities of's good, really. I just need some fun, some rest and to not give up on my quest for a better job and a chance to get my master's degree. The show must go on.

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