Monday, 09/28/09 - 10:49 pm.
I went out with Joe yesterday afternoon. We ended up seeing Mad Money. We met at my favorite movie theater, in a mall. He was a little late but we made it on time. And it was a good movie. Then he came with me to buy my dad a gift card, his 73rd birthday is on wednesday. I really enjoy spending time with Joe, and he seemed a little surprised over my "aaaaawwww's" at all the beautiful christmas decoration that's starting to plague the mall.
It was just a friend thing, going out with him. I didn't really feel as, um, aroused around him like I did last time, and that's a good sign. We talked a lot last night, too, but yeah...it's a friend thing. However, I'm even starting to feel paranoid that he'll think I like him and he'll stay away from me. Ugh, why is it so easy for girls to have such automatic, irrational thoughts? I'm just being a friend, and I do hope he considers me one. Surely I'd like it very much if he liked me as more as a friend, but it's not happening. And it doesn't HAVE TO happen, I can still have a nice relationship with Joe.
This staying-friends consolation held especially true when I realized I wouldn't love him as much as I've loved Joseph. How unfair it's gonna be for any guy that comes along after Joseph, if any guy comes at all. It'd take a huge effort (but I swear I'd do it) not to compare, particularly because Joseph is my only measure. And the deep feelings I have/had for him...right now, at least, I find it impossible to ever have them for anybody else. I can't see me feeling like that again over anyone.
Tonight after case review with W at our clinic, I drove him home and I was telling him about Starfox Guy breaking up with his girlfriend, how I understood him but I had the most empathy with her because he was pulling a Joseph: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore".
W, in his awesome wisdom, dissected the situation: Starfox Guy wants to fool around. Boys, he says, don't like to be alone, unless they're going through a hardcore existential crisis. And Starfox Guy isn't. He loves her, he respects her, he wants to remain in touch with her; but he doesn't want the commitment. Even W confessed he once did that, when he was in his 20s. You don't let go of the comfort of a relationship if you don't have something more appealing to pursue. It's not so easy. Even if there's no more passion, he says, there's still intimacy. That's hard to give up...unless...
The girl he broke up with never forgave him and she came to think that he gave up on her to sleep around. Which he did, really. Luckily, for him this was just a phase, while for some men it's a lifestyle, and looking back on it, he feels bad about it (although he did score hot chicks). So even though I should be dissapointed and scared of men, which I am a little, I get hopeful. People, men and women, make mistakes. You make mistakes, particularly when you're young, stupid and hormonal. At least there's people like W who eventually know better than that.
It was obvious that I'd bring Joseph into this topic. But I'll make it short: W, being a psychologist AND a man, is much more aware of the psychology of male than I am. In fact, I may have been given men way too much credit on some things. Like believing Starfox Guy had academical reasons to bring his 3-year-long relationship to an end (there are academical reasons, but they're mostly cosmetics).
Anyway, all evidence points out at the possibility that, had this Carmen girl never showed up at Joseph's doorstep to move in with him, he may not have broken up with me. I suppose I should say every argument I have to back this up, but I'm afraid I can't repeat W's words. They're too awesome. But it is possible. I wasn't such a burden to him, was I? What we had wasn't so bad, was it?
Of course I think, "wow, how much could I have possibly suck to make him marry and knock-up, in that order, the next girl that -literally- got in front of him?". Then I'm less hard on myself, thinking that if it was just a stronger stimuli what made him steer clear from me, then probably I didn't fail as much as I thought. Like W choosing to fool around, when he already had a pretty, smart girlfriend.
I don't know what to think beyond that, beyond being less hard on myself and on Joseph while still feeling like crap. I really don't know what's Joseph take on dumping me and inmediately finding the love of his life, nor I am interested in hearing it. I do wish Joseph didn't last with Mrs Smith as much as he lasted with me, so at least I'd have a reason to stand out in his life. But as far as I know, they're just going stronger. In a couple of weeks it's going to be a year since he broke up with me, and the woman he left me for is still around. Carrying his baby. That hurts a lot, regardless.
Ah, well. I was coming here a bit cheerful because talking to W made me feel lighter. In the sense that, for a while, I felt Joseph didn't dump me because something was inherently wrong with me, but because there was a much more appealing stimuli. But even if we're talking about the lesser of two evils (like him breaking up with you to avoid cheating on you), I still can't quite deal with it without getting a little tearful.
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