Sunday, 10/18/09 - 11:09 pm.
Things didn't turn out like I expected today, but it was great nonetheless. JC's father is out of the hospital, so I told JC that maybe we should leave the flea market for some other day and do something near his house, in case his father needed him. You read my mind, he said, so instead of us going out, he invited me to play Guitar Hero - Aerosmith at his house. Score!
I arrived to his house and sat on my car's hood, playing Tetris on my cell phone (mad tetris skillz, I haz dem!), while he finished taking a bath. It's a nice neighborhood he lives in. When he got out of the house, we walked to a convenience store one block away and he bought popsicles and nacho chips. I so, so, so loved that. I never get to do these casual walks with people I love, let alone on such a wonderful day, in terms of weather, as today.
Back to his house, we went upstairs and he showed me his room. Messy but very nice. I saw three posters his girlfriend had made for him, one for his 21st birthday, two for their anniversaries. I inmediately backed off regarding any potential crush I may have on him and started seeing him like I should: an awesome friend. I suppose my Super Ego activated and sent me a warning. So call it repression or inmediate cognitive restructuring, I feel free of romantic feelings.
He showed me games on his computer and then we started playing Guitar Hero Aerosmith. I'd never played it, it was unbelievable. Later on, Gustavo showed up. I was his instructor last year, and now him and JC are instructors for Biological Basis of Behavior (one of the most respected and feared subject of the career). He's very good looking and brilliant. I really feel slightly old with these two guys around, JC is two years younger than me. I felt awkward around Gustavo, but that happens to me when there's new people around. A few more times of socializing and we're good to go. He's one of the guys that will be part of the research team and is also very fun, for what I know.
I woke up today and it was very cold. Now it does feel like October. And then November and then December, which means Christmas. This weather makes me so fucking happy.
A year ago today, I became a psychologist. A year ago today, Joseph broke up with me and so it began the hardest period of my life so far. It all feels so far away by now but it certainly doesn't hurt like it's been a year. It hurts like it's been six months, at the most.
I'm different now. Last night I was talking about this with my friend Victor2. I have changed for the better, I tried to make the most of this horrible situation. I know the memory of me is not worth his time or the space in his mind. I know he doesn't know that now I'm financially independent (for the most part), I go out when I want to, I'm more sociable and outgoing, I play the drums, I enjoy traffic jams because it's a chance to sing out loud to my favorite songs, I dress better, I think better. My life is pretty great right now, and there are more things to come. And I'm not waiting for them, I'm making them happen.
But I'm still pretty sad right now. I'm crying as I'm writing this. It's catching me off guard, really, but I'll allow myself to feel like crap for a while. I know things will be better tomorrow. I'm just...hurt. He's gone, he's been gone for a year. I don't know if I miss him, I don't know if I love him. But it hurts having lost someone like him, it hurts to think that someone better for him came along.
I just received a message from Skeleton Guy, he says he'd like to see me again. And I started to cry, right there. I don't want Skeleton Guy. Do I want Joseph? I don't know. I can tell you no, because I refuse to want what I can't have. I don't want him back but the void he left and the things he did still hurt a lot.
And maybe seeing all those words from JC's girlfriend in his bedroom broke my heart. Not because he is taken but because I miss having that myself. A long-term, fun, loving relationship. JC told she comes to his house for lunch very often. I never brought Joseph home for a meal, he never wanted to; he was never comfortable around my family (he was scared, but I think he overreacted). It broke my heart. That sense of security, of having someone that is your home and by the way, gives you all these funny biological sensations.
JC's girlfriend did a little drawing of the two of them on one of the posters. I thought I would have loved to give such things to Joseph, and I should have done it. But he never cared for those things so I was never compelled to do them. He didn't appreciate them beyond the fact that it came from his girlfriend. I remember when I once showed him a Simeon strip that I wrote based on a conversation we'd had. I sent him the link to the strip and after a few minutes I asked him what he thought about it. "Honey, you know I don't read those things". He didn't read it. That hurt me. But there, that's the reason why I never cared for giving him drawings.
Argh, anyway. I feel bad enough already. I'm talking to some people online and that's cheering me up. Today is a day like any other. Today is not a year ago. I'm here, I'm fine. I'm forgotten by him, but there are others who are thinking of me. Even with this huge wound that bleeds from time to time, I'm a better person than I was a year ago.
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